Monday, 15 August 2016

On the Road to Self-discovery: Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

#5

The past couple of weeks were a positive drag, waking up with trepidation and ending the day with tears. The past couple of days were peaceful, with songs, dancing and the joy of privacy. Here is to hope that this streak of peace will continue. Life and its ups and downs (this said with a long sigh). A friend told me recently sighs deserve hugs and long sighs deserve long hugs (J ).


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The person I am now, I am so much more conscious of the events around me and how they affect me, I am stuck in the realisation of each and every moment. If I am unhappy, I know the cause. If I feel overjoyed, I can pinpoint the exact event that put me on this high. I accept the sadness, admitting consciously that better times will come. And while I am happy, I admit grudgingly hard times may not be so far. Cynical of me, perhaps, but it keeps me grounded. I grow more and more distinctly aware of the selfishness of human nature while accepting this as a fact. I seek to justify the behaviour of others rather than just mine, blaming human nature as its cause.


Perhaps Rabindranath Tagore’s words summarise the initial naiveté of this human nature of ours- “Alas for our foolish nature! Its fond mistakes are persistent. The dictates of reason take a long time to assert their own sway. The surest proofs meanwhile are disbelieved. False hope is clung to with all one’s might and main, till a day comes when it has sucked the heart dry and it forcibly breaks through its bonds and departs. After that comes the misery of awakening, and then once again the longing to get back into the maze of the same mistakes. [An excerpt from 'The Postmaster']
This touched me so strongly that the moment I read it, I could only stare at the screen while my breath quickened. This is the naiveté of humans, but once through, we are not naive anymore. We learn better to guard our heart and trust. I have learnt to accept the people in my life who are good for me and reject those who aren’t. And I am still learning to let go of these people. It’s hard to do, to let go because our hope is persistent in asking the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘second chances’. And we keep giving in. However, we can only learn and grow wiser in our choices of what/ who we chose to keep close to us. But while making these initial wrong choices, we learn so much about who we are, what we want from life and what makes us happy, that the sadness/heartbreak is almost always worth it. I am grateful for them because they set me up on this path to know who I really am, on this path of being comfortable in my own skin and make selfish choices. It showed me to accept my mistakes and wrong choices. It made me question my principles. It made me realise the reality of life, that no matter how much I want to be, I cannot be happy all the time. It made me learn to accept it. In no way have I learned to accept everything, but I am still a work in progress. It made me realise that I am capable of loving too much, but in the end, even though it will take me a long time and a lot of second chances, if it does not make me happy or content, I will always walk away. I will walk away even if it breaks me and then I will take the time to heal and learn to love this life of mine again. It made me realise that before anyone else, I need to grow comfortable in my skin and learn every inch of myself before I decide to make someone an integral part of my life. I have learnt to let go of all the pretensions, stand up for what I believe in and be comfortable being myself. So for now, I will spend some time doing exactly that, learn to know myself first. 


Getting to know yourself can be painful, but always a better choice than living in ignorance. And once we begin, there’s no turning back. I refuse to believe that this is only me, I am sure every 20 something individual is on this road. So I hope someone tells you, that it's okay to be selfish. Love yourself first, you have plenty of time to love someone else. Be kind, and empathise. Find out what you believe in and what makes you happy, then pursue it. Know yourself inside and out. Stand up for the principles you believe in. Live and experience every moment. And be grateful for all the ups and downs. Be content and at peace with yourself and the world. Be happy and lose yourself in it's pursuit.
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