Confusion
Today I woke up in the morning feeling awful. Awful, depressed,
upset with no strength or motivation to get myself to college. As though on
automatic, I got up and prepared for college. I was a robot. My face must have
showed signs, because my friend on the way asked if I was okay, to which I
automatically replied, 'Fine, just sleepy'. Scary how easily these lies come to
me now.
This was not the worse part. The worst part was I didn't know why.
Maybe it was the phone call I had with my parents last night, or the status of
my life, or the effect of a combined ennui borne out of studies, work and the
stress from them. I honestly didn't know why. The whole morning I kept
wondering and wishing myself out of this state. Having two classes in the
morning had become a chore. As I sat through class, I called on God as my last
hope. I'm serious, I did. I asked Him to show me a sign, anything, or get me
out of the next class...anyhow, somehow, by any means plausible. I was
desperate. It didn't work out.
After two hours of agony, I rushed back to my room. Distraction.
That's what I needed. Next thing I knew I was neck deep in work. It helped me
forget. Lunch came and went. Skipping lunches was a usual. And the noon session
of college soon started.
And the day is now at an end. My mood progressively did become
better as the day progressed, but it’s still not completely healed yet. I still
feel upset. I still feel like I'm suffocating and that I'm stuck. Like I've
fallen down into a deep dark chasm where all I see is the distant pin prick of
light that the rest of the world dwells in, but somehow cannot ever be
somewhere where I will ever live.
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