An Excerpt

If I had wings, I would be someone who's forgotten how to fly.
But forgetting can be remedied, I just have to remember how.

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Decisions.

12th April, 2015
02:34 pm

Loving hurts. So I'll stop now and move on with my life.

Perhaps, it was never meant to be. Just a lesson in my life. Maybe it will be someone else, someday. Or maybe it will be no one. Either way, I will live and I will be happy, even if I have to do so alone.

~Words from the torn page of a secret diary

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Confusion

Today I woke up in the morning feeling awful. Awful, depressed, upset with no strength or motivation to get myself to college. As though on automatic, I got up and prepared for college. I was a robot. My face must have showed signs, because my friend on the way asked if I was okay, to which I automatically replied, 'Fine, just sleepy'. Scary how easily these lies come to me now.

Pic Courtesy

This was not the worse part. The worst part was I didn't know why. Maybe it was the phone call I had with my parents last night, or the status of my life, or the effect of a combined ennui borne out of studies, work and the stress from them. I honestly didn't know why. The whole morning I kept wondering and wishing myself out of this state. Having two classes in the morning had become a chore. As I sat through class, I called on God as my last hope. I'm serious, I did. I asked Him to show me a sign, anything, or get me out of the next class...anyhow, somehow, by any means plausible. I was desperate. It didn't work out. 

After two hours of agony, I rushed back to my room. Distraction. That's what I needed. Next thing I knew I was neck deep in work. It helped me forget. Lunch came and went. Skipping lunches was a usual. And the noon session of college soon started. 

And the day is now at an end. My mood progressively did become better as the day progressed, but it’s still not completely healed yet. I still feel upset. I still feel like I'm suffocating and that I'm stuck. Like I've fallen down into a deep dark chasm where all I see is the distant pin prick of light that the rest of the world dwells in, but somehow cannot ever be somewhere where I will ever live.

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Page 2:

ALONE

Forming any sort of emotional attachments has never been my cup of tea. And I do mean never. Somehow, they always seem to end in tears, hurt and pain. Always. It’s not something I can admit easily, rather quite the opposite. It is a sorry condition to be in, quite pathetic actually, and its a veritable hit to my ego to admit it. So as an act of rebelliousness?...arrogance?...or simply self-preservation, I shy away from any sort of emotional attachments. It’s automatic. The moment someone even tries to become close, warning bells go off in my head. And then I end up feeling guilty over not being the kind of person they want me to be.

Pic Courtesy (Click Here!)

I had a friend. Yes, ‘had’ one. He was...amazing! He was someone who would call you, just to make you laugh, would know without you saying a word when you were upset, would guess when silent tears started rolling down your cheeks, ask you your favourite colour and remember it for a lifetime and watch out for you, no matter where you go. He was...everything a girl could ask for and more. And no matter how much he tried, I kept pushing him away, build these walls around my heart, impenetrable and high, that no one could ever or would ever bother taking the effort to jump over. It’s not remorse over losing a prospective admirer, but rather regret over losing a true friend. I suppose that’s all one is left with in the end...Regrets! It’s a heavy burden to carry over, knowing that you are capable of destroying any meaningful relation you could ever have. I have hope though, that these walls still have cracks in them, cracks which I can occasionally get glimpses of when I get hurt, hurt by an action or a word, proof that there is still a beating heart capable of feeling emotions that have been repressed for years. Sometime during these epiphanic revelations, I finally realize something. I realize that out there in the big bad world, I stand completely alone, and that...that is what scares me the most.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

A Valentine's Day Hope

It hurt too much to think about it. Why is it so upsetting? Why do I let it affect me so much? The questions were a storm in my head, a turmoil of thoughts, possibilities and hopes. It's Valentine's Day. And this is how I feel when my crush hasn't wished me today. It's almost noon now...and he hasn't texted me once. I refuse to text him first on principle. It would make me seem desperate. So I won't. I know it's silly, but I refuse to budge. So all I'm left with is stalking his "last seen" and checking his "status" every now and then. Oh...his last seen was two minutes ago! Okay I have to stop acting like this-a silly, lovesick schoolgirl. I refuse to be stereotyped as one of "those girls". I have work to do anyway, important work, which I should be getting back to.

Ten Minutes later...

Maybe I should text him. He's probably busy with something important. "Ugghhhh....”, I feel so frustrated. He's online too! You know what; I refuse to be so affected because of a guy. He probably thinks he's all Mr. Cool anyway. The jerk! 

Where was I now...yes...I have mails to send!

Thirty Minutes later...

I open my whatsapp, check his 'last seen', close my whatsapp and slam my phone down in frustration. Then I proceed to wince and check my phone for damages. "Phew...", none thankfully.

I have to stop acting like such a pathetic love-sick puppy. When did I become like this? Unbelievable...! Buck up girl! You don't need someone like this.

Three Minutes later...

My phone buzzes. My hand automatically reached for it and opens it. "Ahhhhhhh....", okay it's him! Two messages! Wait...don't open the message, I don't want to seem too eager or desperate. Okay...calm down! Let him see you online for a while; let him think that he is not the priority in your life. That should show him. Hah!

Okay, open it now.

 "Hey"

"Happy Valentine's Day"

Oh my God!!! He is so sweet. A wide grin breaks out over my face and my hand become jelly in an effort to type out a reply. My heart is all warm and fuzzy, just because of a simple text. In some corner of my mind, a very distant, remote corner, I realize how stupid I'm being. But you see..."the heart wants what it wants". And life is all happy, glittery and full of fairy-tale happy endings again!

Author's note:

I personally find the whole episode funny. It's my tribute for Valentine's Day. 

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! May you find love everlasting!

But on a more serious note, this is what actually happens when a girl has a serious (sorta!) crush. Okay maybe not for all, but this is exactly how I would behave. And yes, girls can be very silly and stupid when it comes to serious crushes (I'm not stereotyping people, exceptions are always there. This is at least how I would behave!).  For my part, I know I can be pretty stupid when it comes to crushes (Don't ask me, I'll never bother telling!). I honestly cannot help it!

So that's one page filled!