An Excerpt

If I had wings, I would be someone who's forgotten how to fly.
But forgetting can be remedied, I just have to remember how.

The Friends We Have...

   

1. The one friend you call for help, or when you’re angry or worried, or maybe when you just need a place to stay.  I am so grateful that I have someone like you in my life.

2. The weekly dinners with that one friend of yours. I cannot emphasize how much I enjoy them.

3. The unexpected helpfulness of a friend, and then the subsequent bonding you develop over a little kindness. It’s good to know you have friends who will help you in your hour of need.

4. The sensible friend at work who looks after your best interests, and makes an effort to be a part of your life. What would I have done without you?

5. The friends you call and make sudden plans with. A little excitement goes a long way in life.

6. The one friend from college who welcomes you into her circle with excitement. It’s like the first year all over again.

7. The friends you make plans to go to dog and cat cafes with. Kindred spirits :’)

8. The friends you spend late nights with. We should do it more often.

9. The friends you spend all morning cooking with. I didn’t know cooking could be this fun when you’re around people whose company is never boring.

10. The new sorta friends you make on a trip together. I really enjoyed the journey with you.

11. The friends from school and college who check up on you every now and then to make sure you’re okay. You give me hope.

12. The friend who sends you a heart every morning to cheer you up. You make my day brighter.:)

Fill your life with positivity, I truly believe it makes a difference.The kind of people you ‘choose’ to surround yourself with, they are the ones who will affect your mood in the end. But always, always realize, being happy, staying happy, is a choice, albeit a difficult one, but a choice none the less.

Today, I thought I’d write about anxiety and depression, but I wasn’t ready yet. So instead I chose to write on happiness and positive thoughts. A lot of what I’ve been writing here recently has been about good thoughts, perhaps its experiences, perhaps not, but if you’re hurting right now, I want you to be able to read something that makes you feel a tiny bit lighter.

I don’t know where you are, who you are, but I hope when you read this, you smile a little, hope a little, and feel a little better. You’re not alone, if you need help, you need only ask, for if you ask, only then shall you shall receive. Please take care of yourself, and remember to love yourself enough to put yourself first.

Thank you

1. To that friend who listens to me whine and knows my secrets.

2. To my parents who suffer me and are ultimately always there to support, although they don't make me realise it all the time.

3. To my brother who forgives easily and asks for forgiveness with equal ease.

4. To the wonderful guy who sends me a heart every morning to cheer me up.

5. To the friend who made life a bit easier for four months and who will soon leave the country.

6. To the old friends far away who still call, even when I don't always do the same.

7. To the friends who taught me friendship isn't forever.

8. To the person who taught me what love shouldn't be and to the person who taught me what love needs to blossom.

9. To that stranger who smiled so brilliantly at me that I will never forget it.

10. To the friend who insists I get a jacket and brings a sweatshirt for me.

11. To the stranger who asks me how my day is going.

12. To the friend who makes impromptu plans and brings me out of my comfort zone.

13. To the authors who write books that help me escape.

14. To everyone who shows a little bit of care, unexpectedly, which makes me believe a little bit more in humanity.

Of Happiness

We'd been driving for quite a while now. The winding road led deep into  forests and areas yet to be to be scarred by humans. It was quiet. Trees on either side enveloped the road and hugged its sides. Even the road had someone by its side, I mused.  The canopy gave glimpses of a cloudy sky now and then.

It had been a tough week. Work, family, and relationships, everything seemed to have taken a downhill road. I felt like I was barely holding everything together and not breaking down in the middle of a  meeting seemed like a great achievement. Nights were getting harder, for sleep had become more elusive. Haunting memories of how it was before returned, I had promised myself I wouldn't let myself go through something like that again. But lately that promise had been harder to keep. I didn't want to spend nights drowning in tears and pretending I was happy the next day, again and again. The idea itself was tiresome.

I was broken out of my reverie when his hands laced through mine and held them tightly. I hadn't realised we had stopped. The view was breathtaking. Miles and miles of forests and lush greenery, and a distant river glittering like diamonds in what little light the clouds let through. I heaved a sigh and looked at him. He had already been looking at me...we smiled and stayed, I don't know how long, but it didn't seem like such a long time.

"Are you happy now?", he asked, his brow furrowed with worry. It was so very tempting to straighten those lines of worry.

"Yes..", I replied, "so much." One silent tear rolled down my left cheek. I felt his hand squeezing mine, I squeezed back, and we smiled again. "Thank you", I whispered. He turned my hand and brought it up to his lips, and lightly kissed the back of it.

And we sat like that for a long time, silently, holding hands, perhaps both of us wishing for the moment to never end. And as we sat, for once, the universe did seem to be conspiring for us. If ever there could be a perfect day, it was this and my heart grew lighter as time grew more envious.

Beautiful Conversations

Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with someone? A conversation completely devoid of judgment? Just two people expressing their emotions or stories in a way that suits them best.

Some of the best conversations I’ve had have been with strangers. It’s so easy to forget real life for a moment and lose ourselves in our problems with strangers, knowing that you probably will never see them or speak to them again. There’s something almost magically transient about it, feeling the weight of your unheard stories lift off of your shoulders. It’s like you are losing your worries into the wind whose currents will carry them far, far away, if not for a while, for a moment at least. It’s always left me wondering how easily I can reveal my fears to strangers but not to the ones who love me.  I suppose that’s how all of us are. We tell strangers things because there is no commitment, no staying on until we separate, no promises, unlike with the ones we love and who love us. Uncertainty, the uncertainty of them, of a future with those we love, with the ones who love us, because, let’s face it, it’s human nature, nothing is permanent. I like to think we are all aware of this folly in us, yet we keep hoping, hoping we might be the exception to the rule.

You also learn, when you listen to their stories, their lives. I absolutely adore it. I love listening to their stories, about their families, their hopes, their dreams…so many thoughts run wild through my head and the palpable excitement of their hopes mixes with my own hopes and desire, of hoping for new, different things. You realize there are so many different perspectives to explore and so many lifestyles. Makes you realize how small a part you play in this momentary thing we call life.

And above all this, you develop this ache inside you, an ache to make a difference, to play a small part in their lives, no matter how small, in the hopes that your memory lives on after you pass them by.

The Little Things in Life

If you really think about it, there are so many things that could cheer you up, little things, accidental things, stumbling upon an unexpected circumstance, immeasurable, momentary, ephemeral...
Imagine a lousy day, you've been stressed out and overloaded with work, nothing is going the way you want, yes, you know, that kind of a day, what makes you feel good? What makes you feel a little bit better? What makes you happy?

I have thought about it a lot during the past few days, and have deliberated my actions towards those things which make me happy after a lousy day, and trust me, it has helped me feel at least a little bit better.

1. Writing down what I am grateful for. If things are not looking up, and life at that moment seems impossible, I try and remember all the things I am fortunate to have. No, it doesn't always work, but it helps. I also have daily reminders set before I end the day reminding me to be grateful for at least one thing. Every day at 10 pm sharp, my phone pings and reminds me to sleep with a grateful heart.

2. Pizza/ Choco Lava Cake/ French fries. Yes, you heard me right. Eating junk food makes me happy. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it does and it will remain on the top of my lists and I am not ashamed to admit it.

3. Helping a random stranger/ or even a friend, without expecting anything in return. If the world has been especially cruel to you, and no matter how many times you have tried, life just doesn't seem fair, well, what better way to make the world a better place than to lend a hand unconditionally to someone.

4. Thinking of those dear souls who love you and take time out of their day for you. Be it your family or friends, there is someone in the world who cares about you, and you my friend are lucky to have them. Thinking about them makes my heart fill with joy. Be it those crazy friends of yours who take the day to spend time with you, fall asleep during your night movie sessions, come to see you off, send you daily reminders of how loved you are, inspire you to take one more step, or that family of yours, who even though you fight with on a regular basis, you always keep going back to them. Maybe spend some time with them.

5. Treat yourself. Spend a day pampering yourself, Take yourself out on a date, keep those phones away (except to make reservation at that restaurant you always wanted to try out or at that new spa), read a book, pursue a hobby, go trekking, travel, cook, buy some flowers, go crazy dancing or singing, lose yourself in the pursuit of whatever it is you love to do.

6. Connect with your old friends. I admit it, I am a very bad friend when it comes to keeping in touch, I'm horrible at it. So if any of you are reading this (you know who you are), I am sorry. I love the fact that I can call you guys and we can start off as if we never stopped talking. Those precious gems in your life!

7. Clean and organize. I don't know what is it about organizing and going on a cleaning spree that cheers you up. It helps me think clearly, get a better hold on life.

8. Get your perspective right. Write down your goals. Write down how you are going to achieve it, make steps, divide, work on each step, one at a time, tick them off on your list, put milestones, and celebrate when you achieve them.

9. Exercise and yoga.  Burn out all that stress and worry you have been holding up, If you're mad, take it out on that jog and run an extra mile. Or take deep breaths as you take control over your body,

10. Pray. When in doubt, when you feel hopeless, when things haven't looked up for ages, when you feel alone, kneel and pray. Let all your emotions drain and surrender. Perhaps you don't believe in God, and that's okay too. Even if you don't, send a little prayer out into the universe and hope to be heard, you never know if you'll get to hear something back.

11. Cry. Personally, I have never been a big fan of letting people know I cry. But that doesn't mean I never cry. I do. A lot, actually. Just not in front of people. Favorite places include a washroom cubicle, my bed at night or any place where I can be alone until I get a better hold over my amuck emotions. Cry as much as you want, for as long as you want, it is a natural event. And after you're done, promise yourself you will not cry for the same reason. You might not always keep those promises, but it's worth a sincere effort too.

12. Communication can solve a lot of issues. Talk to people. If it's a particular person that has caused you to stress out, be upset or angry, talk to them. Be polite but effective. If it doesn't make a difference, you tried, but if it does, way to go! If you can't talk to that person or if it's an unfortunate circumstance in your life, talk to someone you love, someone you trust, someone who can tell you what to do (if there is a need), someone who can hold you up and support you when you need them, your best friend, you significant other, your family.

13. Do something about your problem. Take a step back, look at your problem, then solve it. If you don't think you can, ask for help. Find out how to tackle it and then do it. Take action. There's a solution to every problem, it's something I firmly believe in.

14. Look up at the stars. Yes. If I am unhappy and I am outside, I look up at the stars. It makes me feel better. Maybe it's the vastness of the universe and realizing how insignificant I am, or maybe it's just the beauty of it, but it helps.

Image Courtesy

This is life. It will have it's ups and downs, and it's up to you to decide what you do during those times. Take only the good from the bad  (more difficult than it's sounds). Be happy.

-Anjana

In Conclusion - Day 7

So I made it! And believe me, I almost missed this last day. It's 11:30 and I remembered; blogging for a week continuously was a promise I made to myself. And well, hurrah! I did it!

I'm happy. :)

My thoughts -

Happiness is indeed a choice, albeit a difficult one. We get so used to the comfort of sorrow that we don't see it that way. I know I haven't. And I also know, that only when I make an effort to come out of it, do I see the bigger picture. So if there's anyone out there, who is suffering, in any way, know that it's upto you to come out of it. Be sad. Give it time. But do not get used to the solace offered by that feeling. The choice to be better is always upto you. The choice to make your own happiness.

Keep yourself involved. Stop over thinking. Do well by you. Be the better person. Forgive yourself. Give love freely. Have a clear mind. Make memories. Be you. Be the complete you. And stay happy.

With love,
Anjana

Need

There is power in prayer,

Her heart believed

With her face looking up,

Eyes closed, and

Lips whispering in fever,

She prayed in need.

Haiku

Dusk gave into night

Starry skies pursued in craze

The bloody sky in race

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Dusk gave into night

The birds soared from trees and flew

While the south wind blew

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Dusk gave into night

Night jasmines blossomed anew while

Snakes slither nearby

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An Act of Kindness

At the end of each day, the old, worn out cobbler would come and give a little of whatever money he had made to the orphanage at the end of the street. He would move slowly but steadily into the office room of the orphanage. The lady of the orphanage, who took his deposits, never said anything; just the usual thanks were to suffice. The mischievous little boy, who always got called to the office, found this raggedy old man a very curious entity. Once he threw the ball at him, expecting an outburst, but the old man bent, took the ball, smiled and threw it back. He came every single day. His contributions were hardly worth anything, but he never stopped.

Image Courtesy

After making this routine journey, he would proceed walking home to a tent; he called home, on the outskirts of town. His load was heavy and his shoulders bent with them. Nevertheless, he carried on. A small fire built over collected twigs, and whatever little money from the day’s work could buy; putting some aside for the next day’s lunch, would be the dinner for the day. Many a day there had been without a meal, the stomach in turmoil, but the mind at peace. A long night would follow, wrapped in a thin, well-worn blanket with holes. Yet, the old man slept with a smile.

The next day is another long journey back into the city streets mending and polishing the shoes of those who were perhaps gifted with a better fortune. Work would be slow during lunch time. He would seek a quiet corner to take his lunch from the leftovers of yesterday out, wrapped in whatever piece of newspaper he would have found. Sometimes, one or the other street dogs would join him. A morsel was then shared. Work continued after lunch. The day dragged, slowly, but it did go on.

At the end of the day, the old man made his way to the orphanage at the end of the street. He moved slowly, tired, worn out, like the shoes he sometimes repaired. He put what he could spare into the hands of the lady of the orphanage. The mischievous little boy saw him again and bade no heed. He was no longer of interest when other distractions called. And then the old man made his long journey back.

Sunday Sentiments

The curtains were flying, so I went to tie them up. It was 10 am, but still dark. ‘It will rain today’, the thoughts followed quickly. The cool air was a nice welcome, so I decided to sit on the window seat for a while. It felt nice. Having a corporate job with a hectic work life, and living in an apartment building where you don’t even know your neighbors tends to leave you with not many plans on a Sunday morning. It didn’t matter but. I cherished the moments I got to be alone with my own thoughts.

Image Courtesy

The trees were dancing, letting go of their oldest leaves, in despair perhaps. I thought. Why would you want to part with old friends? The clouds were rolling in and I could see lightning in the distance. Chilly and dark, the kind of dark where you feel the sun is fighting to establish that it is daytime and not night. Everyone loves this weather. What is it about this climate that made everyone so happy?

The wind uplifted my souls from the dreary depths it had chosen to rest in, for the past almost one year. After a long time, I felt like a part of my own story, I felt in control, but mostly I felt at peace. I closed my eyes and let it wash over me. ‘Take it away, all of it’, I whispered to the wind. And the wind complied, it slowly touched corners of my heart I thought I’d never set free again, and washed away the dust that had collected. For the first time, in a long time, every bit of me was awash in light. I let out a deep breath I didn’t realise I was holding in. I smiled, and my eyes fluttered close. So I just sat there, doing nothing, but feeling. Feeling all the emotions I’d been holding in, letting go of what negativity I’d been holding on to, promising myself all the things I would do.

It’s going to be a beautiful, new day, come tomorrow.

Handbook for Life #1

These are just a few things that ran across my head this not-so-lazy Sunday morning. So I penned them all down...

1.       Stay Positive: There will always be bad times, hurdles, rough patches, you can’t ask for sunshine and colours without expecting darkness now and again. Through it all, keep your head above the rising waters, think happy thoughts, and don’t let those negative thoughts push you down. It’s hard to be positive all the time, but try and keep the negative ones at bay.

2.       Don’t compare: There will always be someone better, more successful, more social, more good looking or more popular than you. Don’t compare yourselves with them. Your only comparison should be you and how much you have grown over the years and how much more can you improve. You are your own challenge.

3.       Let your life be your own: Many a times you start living the way other people expect you to live, it may or may not be the way you want to live it. You start changing things you have always wanted to do because of someone else’s opinions; it could be your family or someone you love even. I know because I have made decisions based on someone I love’s opinions, and speaking from experience, don’t do that. Of course if it’s wrong (illegal, etc), well, don’t do it. But if it’s something you really want, then go ahead, don’t let others opinions hinder you. Live for yourself.

4.       Fall in love and then fall out of it: You need to experience this, not just the romantic kind (although yeah, fall in love!). Get your heart broken in friendships or with that guy you-used-to-know.  Only then will you know how to love, your faults, your shortcomings, what you did right, what you did wrong, what you want from a friend or a partner in life. After all, it’s all trials and errors.

5.       Make memories, live in the moment: Just because you have had a bad day, don’t let that affect the time you spend with your friends/ family later on. Even if you end up crying all alone at nights, laugh and enjoy that dinner you all had been planning for weeks, or that random lunch you end up going to with all your friends. You can be sad, upset or angry, but not with the people who didn’t have any role to play in making you feel that way. Enjoy that time with them, you need it more that you know (I should take my own advice here!).

6.       Be childish at times: Okay, I don’t mean be immature and whiny (and no, that’s not what I think of children!), but do those things you feel like doing at times but then you talk yourself out of it because that would just make you look so immature. I realised this the other day at the mall when I finally gave in to the urge to climb up an escalator going down. And that really made me feel good, it’s a small thing, but trust me; it makes you feel so free.

7.       Friends will come and go: You are continuously moving through life, and you will meet and make friends all the time, with some you will make everlasting memories with, even though things might not end up well in the end. No one is perfect. In the end, humans will always be selfish. There’s nothing called selfless friendship, so don’t expect too much.  Enjoy the good times, but be prepared to face the hard times alone.

8.       Be kind to everyone: There are times when we are so distracted, that we don’t really ‘listen’ to what others are trying to tell us. I know I do that. Be kind to everyone, treat everyone with respect, and be fair. Actually ‘listen’ to what they are telling you and what they are not. Everyone is going through some tough times; everyone has their demons that haunt them. Don’t judge them (I know I do, although I’d like to believe not so much now). You don’t know their story. Be kind. If you can’t help them, then just listen and empathize.

9.       Keep your expectation low: Or you will end up getting disappointed. It could be people, situations or something you had been looking forward to for weeks, things will not always go according to plans. It’s something that we all struggle with (I know I do, a lot, especially when it comes to people!). One thing I have learned is never expect a lot from people, family or friends. Take a few deep breaths and let go of the expectations, you will live a happier life when you do.

10.   Learn to appreciate being alone: Learn to love your own company. Don’t be a loner but appreciate that time you have to spend with yourself. Introspect. You will come to know yourself better. Realize that you’re living this life alone and you don’t ‘need’ anyone along for this journey. People will tag along on this journey, some will get off at some stations, some will take the other way, some you will miss, some you would never want to leave, but know that your destination is yours alone. No one is getting off at that destination with you, you will be alone. Learn to love that.

11.   Love yourself enough: No, I’m not asking you to be selfish. Rather love and respect yourself enough to know when something, instead of developing you as an individual is only harming you. Know when to put a stop to it. It could be a bad habit, unhealthy relationships, or even something you have been doing for a long time. Let go of it, no matter how difficult it is for you to do this. It will take time, but in the end you will be happy.

12.   Everything will be okay in the end: Things are hard, they will be. Friends will leave. You may not get that job you wanted and worked so hard for. You may fail an exam. You will have relationship problems. The work load will stress you out. Everything that you love or worked hard for will fall apart around you. Your will have family troubles. But this isn’t the end. You will come out of it stronger, better prepared and with your head held high. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If it’s still not okay, then it’s not the end. Have faith, and just live.

And then I realized these things are so easy to preach but so hard to practice. Honestly, it would do me a world of good if I followed my own advice at times. But well, no one is perfect. However, you reach a point in your life when you realize how important these things are to follow, and I think I am there. Now the next step is to follow them which hopefully you and I both will.

Cheers to life comrades! We’re all in this together.

Of God, Religion and Rights

Not something I would chose to write on easily, but lately my thoughts keep circling around this.

I wouldn’t call myself a religious person, no. For me, religion has always been a concept introduced by humans to stay within the lines of morality and as an attempt to bring some sort of order into this chaotic world. That’s how I have always looked at it. But then I am of the view that religion isn’t necessary to stay within those moral boundaries. In fact I have atheist friends who are better human beings than some of my theist ones (this isn’t meant to point at people) or vice versa.

For me God and religion are two completely separate entities. You can say I believe in God, but not in religion. Perhaps, it is because of the way of thinking around which I was brought up. Actually, that is the reason for how my standpoint is today. I was raised by a father who spent nights telling me stories from each and every religion. And that’s what they were to me, stories; stories spun by old men from days past and read out as the only truth over generations. Perhaps that is the reason I believe in God as well, because of the beliefs surrounding my formative years as a child. And that’s what it amounts to in the end; your beliefs are a result of your surroundings, and no one belief can be justified as right or wrong. Be it an atheist, agnostic or a theist, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has a right to their own beliefs and justifications.

Discussions on these have always been tiresome and hardly ever end without at least one of the parties getting offended. Heaven forbid, a person walking out not offended from that particular debate. My views, now that I read through what I just wrote, sound lax and vague. I would be lying if I said I do not get offended by some of these discussions. I do, and hence the general avoidance of the whole matter.

I believe in God, I believe in prayers, I believe that everyone has a right to their own beliefs and I believe that no one faith is greater than the other. Most religions teach us that anyway, it’s just that, some of us in our deep piousness tend to overlook that little fact and interpret the words of holy books in our own way. But then again, there is nothing wrong in that, as long as you do not start denying others their basic rights based on your take on the matter. Live and let live. 

Coloured Perches

 ‘The first to apologise is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to forget is the happiest.’

Growing up and passing through this journey of life, you meet a lot of people; some stay, some leave, and some leave impressions on you that last a lifetime, while some just slowly fade away and blow away with the wind of lost memories.

Of my short, perhaps ‘not yet much experienced’ life, I have come across people who I can categorize into well, three categories (I felt like a judgemental ass writing that, but oh well!).

There are those who forgive and forget. They are perhaps the most innocent, or rather pure of souls, incapable of holding any grudge against the people around them. A simply apology makes everything alright. Even before the apology, they accept whatever they have faced, and well...move on. These people, they amaze me, I have the utmost respect and I stand in awe of them, for I know I am one of those people who cannot ever be like them. The world needs these happy-go-lucky souls, they are perhaps the reason optimism still persists in abundance in a world in need of such positivity. The world, for them is black and white. There is however, a darker side to such glowing naiveté (I acknowledge I might not be right in calling them that). But the world would find it easy to take advantage of these happy souls. In an ideal world, the possibility is hardly relevant but in the real world, it’s hardly so. There will always be, after all, two sides to everything.

Then there are those like me. Forgive, but not forget. It’s perhaps the easiest of choices, but I don’t know how to explain this. I believe a vast majority of the people can identify with this. These people, they play by throwing caution to the wind. Forgiveness comes easy, but forgetting proves a harder fight. There are not many they trust and trust for them is fragile, easily broken, and a prized possession, like strings, once broken, there will always remain a knot. They are more practical in their nature, but riddled with doubts on everything. This attitude might prove more effective in the real world, but in the long run results in tunnel vision. They are perhaps even inclined towards more pessimism than optimism. The world for them is grey. There is always a reason and an explanation to everything. Some of them hold on to the grudges, some let go, but with both, the memory of the experience still remains. Speaking from experience, it’s not a very pleasant state to be in. You learn to let go of the feelings, but you take the lessons with you.

And finally, the ones who never forgive nor forget. You come across a few of them now and then, and as always they do not fail to amuse me. On a much lesser scale of the damage done, their antics are hilarious to observe (speaking from my sardonic and hardened perch). But on a larger scale, result in a bitter way of life, always complaining (whining rather!) lifestyle filled with pessimism. They are not always this noticeable though; some just stay quiet and silently breed and garner the growing pile of grudges. It might prove helpful at times, in context of winning an argument or some slight matter at hand. But in the long run, it doesn’t leave you with many friends or loved ones. For them the black and white world is continuously changing according to their needs, feelings and desires. Nothing remains white, or black, always changing, never constant.

This is just one perspective, there are  different types of people, depends on what vista you chose to observe from. There are so many perspectives, different angles, divergent, individual, distinct opinions. They all matter, for they are your own. I know I am not right in my distinctions (I strongly believe we are different yet the same, there’s no complete black and white, always grey), but then they are my distinctions and ultimately my choices. Every individual has their own outlook on life, on people, on experiences, and no one outlook is right, nor wrong. They all matter, for they all speak of our own different, individual signatures that we chose to leave behind for the world to see, our impressions and legacies.

Thorns

I am a firm believer of the fact that if people wanted to be in someone's life they'd make a genuine effort to do so. I believe, noone is too busy to not make time for someone they truly care of. A text, a call, anything, is never too much taxation on someone who really wants to be close to you.

Of experiences.

Lessons Learnt

#8

Growing up is dealing with your problems on your own.

As I sit here and write this, I cannot help but feel a little proud of myself. It doesn't amount to much when compared to others around the world, but it's my little victory and it means a lot to me. And that makes me happy.

Dark

She was scared of the dark. And she was scared of the men. They didn’t believe her stories.

They didn’t believe her until the marks on her skin started showing.

Dark

She was talented, successful, beautiful and earned well.

The prospective groom rejected her because she was too ‘dark’.

Dark

He grabbed the chocolates before his cousin could and ran away.

He put one in his mouth and grimaced. The chocolate was dark.

Part of Life

Past two months, I haven't written. Was I busy? Well yes, but that's not it.

So many times, I have taken my laptop, opened Word and just stared at the screen, oblivious and clueless. Then I would close the laptop lid and distract myself. Distraction. I had been desperate for it. In some ways, I think I still am. I just 'needed' to not think. And well, it didn't quite work out well.

I have wondered if it was depression. I have gone online and taken countless depression tests which gave me a rather dark review about myself. I have spent hours looking up 'How to be Happy' online and I have..well I thought there would be something else, but I guess not! Oh wait, I have lost weight! A bit too much perhaps.
But I have learned,by God, I have learnt. And I am grateful for that.

It is all a part of life. I realized if we didn't really go through all the hard times, we would never appreciate the good, we would never appreciate life. Because this is life. And to experience life, is what we are here for. So that's what it is. Experience.

What I want is a life colored with emotions, brimming over with them, a life without any regrets, I want to experience it all, everything. I want to be able to live a full life. That is what I want.

Have you?

Have you ever wished for someone..., anyone to just understand?
Have you ever cried desperately into your pillow at nights for them?
Have you lain awake and wondered what would it be like?
Has your heart broken into a million pieces when you find out that fairy tales and love don't exist?
Have you then screamed a silent scream of a broken soul, forever?
Have you then heard just silence as reply?
Have you then prayed for an end to this misery?
Have you then, closed your eyes and asked to be let free?

Growing up and Moving on

This year has been, well, simply put, overwhelming. Overwhelming because of the things I've experienced, learnt, felt and done. Especially the past few months. I have felt unconditional love (not what you'd imagine!), excruciating pain, disappointment, happiness and most importantly learnt some major life's lessons. It feels like I was drugged on emotions, the independence I had found, the recklessness, the moment... 

I think, maybe all of us go through this at one point of time or the other. I realize I am not alone in this, so I know it's going to be okay.

Maybe it's all a part of turning 20. It's sort of depressing, if I'm being honest. It's like I'm losing a part of myself, shutting it  off, caging it forever from the world and promising myself that I'll never bring that part of me out again. But then I'm learning to deal with it and in that I find my solace.

The things I've learnt-

> Love is never easy. And if it happens quickly, most of the times, it's not real. There will be an initial high and with time, chances are both of you will start feeling the loss of that high. One of you will always be more committed and expect more, and the other will have priorities elsewhere. That will only breed resentment, disappointment and sadness. Ultimately, you lose hope and just give up. So just wait for it, take it easy and move on.

> Selfless friendship is not real. Your friends will always put themselves before you. Remember they always want you to do well, but not better than them. That's what it ultimately comes down to. It's all a race, a competition, and each one will always want to be first. So don't go the extra mile for them. Do good. Don't be selfish but also don't be selfless. Enjoy the good times with your friends, share your sorrows and joys but don't go that extra mile for anybody.

> Having high expectation out of any situation or a person is never a good idea. Keep your expectations low.

> Be the bigger person. Apologize, and breed good relations. Look at a situation from both sides, and understand. Forgive yourself if it's your fault and apologize to the people involved. Even if it's not your fault, learn to talk it out and apologize for any harm done. It doesn't cost much.

> Your secrets and feelings are yours alone. Don't let anyone put you down, or make you feel inferior for who you are, or what you feel. You, as a human, are entitled to feel whatever you want, to be your own person, to be different. It helps to talk about it, but before you do think if you'll regret telling anyone about how you feel and then tell them.

> In life you'll probably end up doing a lot of stupid things. Things like getting drunk, try and impress someone who's not worth it, flirt with complete strangers, be completely reckless and lose it, and etc and etc. But well, honestly, you won't really regret it (as long as it doesn't end up in violence, or a legal case or anything of the sorts). You learn from them and you move on.

> There will be days in your life when you are at the point of bursting with happiness, days like you're birthdays, the day you achieved something, or won something. Days when the world is all happy for you, and it's all rosy and golden. But, it's all temporary. Do not rely on it too much because this too shall pass.

> Being an individual with your own ideas and thoughts, you will always face criticism. Criticism for your ideas, for your thoughts, for what you say and what you write, criticism from all directions, your friends, family, teachers. Don't let it get to you. Stand strong for what you believe in. Realize that in the end, those who truly love you will support you no matter what. So stand tall with your head high for what you believe in.

> Learn to take everything in stride. And I mean everything. Things that might mean a lot to you today, a few days, weeks, months or years might lose all importance. So don't prioritize them over your own good. If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't. So just lay back and look at life with a lazy eye, it helps!

> Let it go. The resentments, disappointments.., let it all go. It's slow poison, harming only you and hindering your own personal growth. Always be the better person, because ultimately it's your integrity that matters most. Think and achieve self-actualization.

I don't know how many of you can relate to it, but I hope you do. And if you do, I hope it helped put things more in perspective for you.

In the end, all I have to say is lead a life you are proud of. Be good. And stay happy.

Cheers!
-Anj