An Excerpt

If I had wings, I would be someone who's forgotten how to fly.
But forgetting can be remedied, I just have to remember how.

Guest post: Siddharth Anikar

ABSENCE

On a rainy afternoon, he stared at the drops on the window wondering what he could do to pass the time. As he watched a couple of them race down, he remembered his adolescent and early teenage years when he'd sit and play on his video game console for hours without giving the slightest regard to the weather. He went into his room and dug out an old box and there it was, the mechanical companion who'd given him so much happiness through the years. He wondered if it would still work, so he started looking for the accessories. He found the power adapter, the controllers and the cartridge that had his favorite game. He was ecstatic! He plugged it in and made all the connections like he was Dr. Frankenstein creating his monster. The screen turned on and he started his favorite game. On the screen, it said 1 player or 2 players. Then he looked around the empty room and realized that he was missing the most important thing of all.

 Siddharth Anikar 

Batman and DC fan(but of course!), connoisseur of rock (from death metal to folk, Viking, melodic, etc etc to groove- he knows it all), lover of cats and dogs alike (ahh, kindred spirit!), fellow gif maniac, gamer and another one of those amazing friends! 

The Friends We Have...

   

1. The one friend you call for help, or when you’re angry or worried, or maybe when you just need a place to stay.  I am so grateful that I have someone like you in my life.

2. The weekly dinners with that one friend of yours. I cannot emphasize how much I enjoy them.

3. The unexpected helpfulness of a friend, and then the subsequent bonding you develop over a little kindness. It’s good to know you have friends who will help you in your hour of need.

4. The sensible friend at work who looks after your best interests, and makes an effort to be a part of your life. What would I have done without you?

5. The friends you call and make sudden plans with. A little excitement goes a long way in life.

6. The one friend from college who welcomes you into her circle with excitement. It’s like the first year all over again.

7. The friends you make plans to go to dog and cat cafes with. Kindred spirits :’)

8. The friends you spend late nights with. We should do it more often.

9. The friends you spend all morning cooking with. I didn’t know cooking could be this fun when you’re around people whose company is never boring.

10. The new sorta friends you make on a trip together. I really enjoyed the journey with you.

11. The friends from school and college who check up on you every now and then to make sure you’re okay. You give me hope.

12. The friend who sends you a heart every morning to cheer you up. You make my day brighter.:)

Fill your life with positivity, I truly believe it makes a difference.The kind of people you ‘choose’ to surround yourself with, they are the ones who will affect your mood in the end. But always, always realize, being happy, staying happy, is a choice, albeit a difficult one, but a choice none the less.

Today, I thought I’d write about anxiety and depression, but I wasn’t ready yet. So instead I chose to write on happiness and positive thoughts. A lot of what I’ve been writing here recently has been about good thoughts, perhaps its experiences, perhaps not, but if you’re hurting right now, I want you to be able to read something that makes you feel a tiny bit lighter.

I don’t know where you are, who you are, but I hope when you read this, you smile a little, hope a little, and feel a little better. You’re not alone, if you need help, you need only ask, for if you ask, only then shall you shall receive. Please take care of yourself, and remember to love yourself enough to put yourself first.

Thank you

1. To that friend who listens to me whine and knows my secrets.

2. To my parents who suffer me and are ultimately always there to support, although they don't make me realise it all the time.

3. To my brother who forgives easily and asks for forgiveness with equal ease.

4. To the wonderful guy who sends me a heart every morning to cheer me up.

5. To the friend who made life a bit easier for four months and who will soon leave the country.

6. To the old friends far away who still call, even when I don't always do the same.

7. To the friends who taught me friendship isn't forever.

8. To the person who taught me what love shouldn't be and to the person who taught me what love needs to blossom.

9. To that stranger who smiled so brilliantly at me that I will never forget it.

10. To the friend who insists I get a jacket and brings a sweatshirt for me.

11. To the stranger who asks me how my day is going.

12. To the friend who makes impromptu plans and brings me out of my comfort zone.

13. To the authors who write books that help me escape.

14. To everyone who shows a little bit of care, unexpectedly, which makes me believe a little bit more in humanity.

The Weekend Getaway

Having finally made up my mind to get at least one thing on my bucket list, while I was still a dependent student, I finally took one to Mysore, during my internship at Bangalore. A small trip, nevertheless baby steps to hopefully something greater. J

The initial plan of taking a train to Mysore completely flopped, it resulted in me standing in quite a bit of awe at the number of people standing outside the Bangalore Railway station at 5:30 am to get a general ticket. I learnt that the reserved compartment ticket counter does not open until 8 am (sighing-I should have booked it online earlier, but no, I wanted to get the experience of booking a ticket just before the journey).

So that resulted in me looking around for a bus to Mysore from Bangalore. Thankfully, previous research helped. I took a bus from Kempegowda Bus Stand to Satellite Bus Stand, which is about a 5-10 minute journey (witnessed a speeding bus hit a bike at a crossroad), and from this bus stand, took a bus to Mysore(they have regular buses from here to Mysore).

The journey was pleasant enough, I was drowsy owing to the early morning waking up (3 am, I kid you not). Soon enough, the half empty bus, filled to capacity, and a man in his late forties sat beside me. Drowsy me chose to ignore everyone until we reached the mid-way point and stopped for tea. Then, I just couldn’t sleep. Soon enough I found an enthusiastic talker in the man, and having received his opinion on how I should proceed, what I should do and what I should never buy (scarves are over-priced in Mysore, he told me), I thanked him for his kind suggestions, he disembarked one stop before me, while I got off on the next.

Google Maps is a life saver, I must admit, and within a 5-minute walk, I was at my booked hostel. A charming, old building, wonderfully placed in a nook, with its own quirks, made me wish I wasn’t just here for one night. It’s a backpacker’s hostel called, The Mansion, 1907, situated within walking distance of the bus stand, Mysore Palace and the zoo. I stayed in a mixed bed dorm, with three bunk beds. A girl from Quebec and two guys from the US were the current occupants, however, there was one more who was never really around (later that night I found his presence in the shape of a human-shaped body on the lower bunk of the middle bed). Having struck up a conversation with the girl, who has travelled to about 11-12 countries(talk about goals), and is still visiting more, led to a conversation among all present.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear an exclamation from the door, and on looking up, finding a colleague I had previously worked with at the door. Such coincidences. A quick discourse revealed he was travelling with his friends and a family member and was here for pleasure.

Having already planned an itinerary and hell-bent on visiting every place I had jotted down after much debate, I embarked after those, after a pleasant lunch. My first destination was Somnathpur Temple, situated about 35 km away from Mysore. Due to perhaps the distance of the place, the place was not much traversed by tourists. A quick talk at the cab agency led me to conclude that I’d be way over budget if I chose to take a cab. The only other option was a bus (unless I chose to hitch-hike, which is a huge no-no in India). From what I had read before, there were no direct buses to the place, I was supposed to take a bus to Bannur, and from there a bus to my destination. The locals I talked to supported the claim. So a bus to Bannur was what I got on. Having no clue as to how I was supposed to change buses, or where, I talked to the conductor of the bus, a lady. She turned out to be one of the sweetest and most helpful people I met there. After we reached Bannur, she got off with me; talked to the conductor of another bus about my destination, and made sure I got on the bus safely. I ended up feeling like a little girl, but hey, I was grateful for the help. The new conductor was another cheerful fellow, who kept reassuring me that he’ll get me safely to my destination, much to my amusement. And voila, within no time, I had arrived. I was bid goodbye with the correct directions to the temple, and a girl who had got off with me, pointed it out while we walked together towards it as well. It was hardly 100 meters away. When I think about it, I am still amazed at the helpfulness and concern of the local people in Mysore and near bouts. It makes me happy and all warm inside.

The temple with its gorgeous architecture did not disappoint; so many stone carvings depicting age-old stories of Gods and Goddesses. Not being a frequented tourist destination, it was serene and retained its magnificent voice, not yet drowned by the crowding hordes of tourists. There I met a young lady, who had travelled one boring Saturday afternoon all the way from Bangalore on her scooty for a quick-getaway, two different Malayali families and the prettiest little girl I had ever seen, she was visiting with her family I supposed.

Soon enough, I was back in Mysore and on my way to the famous Vrindavan Gardens. By the time our bus got through traffic, it was already 7 pm and the sun had set some time back. A short walk down a road had me stare aghast at the sheer amount of humans crowded in there. I decided to move forward anyway, I wasn’t going to go back after travelling for almost 2 hours to get here. I walked down the path that led to the gardens, I didn’t notice the group of men/ boys I had passed until claps and leers drew my attention to them. I glanced back quickly and was a bit shocked to find they were intended at me-a girl travelling without company. It was crowded and it was dark. I chose to ignore them and walked quickly towards the gardens, thinking perhaps I was wrong and simply over thinking this. In order to convince my brain, I walked into the garden, off the path through some bushes and proceeded to stand near a fountain. I was lost in the moment, it was night, the fountains sprayed water on you, and it was pleasant. A few pictures later, I figured there’s more to explore, and started to move away. I turned to move deeper into the garden, but as soon as I did, I got a definitive shock; the bunch of men had decided to follow me into the garden through the same bushes. I admit I was freaked out, I didn’t think they would actually come through the bushes, the same way I had (it was not a path; I had simply used it as a means of escape). I circled around back to the bushes and onto the path again, praying I wasn’t seen. Things that ran through my mind- I singled out a family to whom I could ask for help and prepared whatever resource I could use, just in case something happened, including my voice. So I stood behind the bushes and watched these men look around for me (I could understand pieces of what they were saying, it was Tamil I believe-“where did she go”, “where”). I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw them move deeper into the gardens. I quite literally semi-jogged the opposite way, across a bridge, through those garden, back across the bridge, a short walk, and onto the next bus back to Mysore. Yep, that’s how my visit to Vrindavan Gardens went. Exhilarating, to say the least. After I had calmed down enough, my mind wandered over to more important things, like dinner, and a sudden craving for pasta surfaced. A quick search led me to this quaint little Italian place called The Old House, and I admit the pasta was delicious.

Back at the hostel, I made my getaway to the swing upstairs to just relax and soak in the night. There I found my colleague with his friends. An hour or so passed just conversing, after which I moved downstairs. I thought I could use the time to introspect. Soon, I was joined by my colleague and one of his friends, and before we realised, it was almost two hours past midnight. I can say I genuinely enjoyed our conversation, and there are very few conversations I’d skip sleep for.

The next day dawned quickly, and after a quick breakfast, I went around to the zoo, which was about a kilometre away from the hostel. It would not be wrong to say that it was worth the time. I hadn’t been to a zoo since my middle school and my childish fantasies of visiting zoos seemed to have disappeared. Additionally, all the animals in the zoo seemed to have made a pact the night before, to show their backs to the eager onlookers, and well, that was that. At the zoo, I met a vivacious school-girl of 13, who was on a school trip. She wanted to become a chef and baked quite often, from what she told me. I was glad to have such an animated person to accompany at the zoo, it made it all the more interesting.

Next stop on my list was Bangalore Palace, to which I was running late, having set up a meeting there with the two Americans. The place was teeming with people and it was hot. I have to admit, in its time, the palace must have been majestic in its grandeur and luxury. In its stateliness, it still managed to reflect the opulence it must have once boasted of, a century or so ago. A detailed audio-tour of the private rooms of the palace, and we made our way outside. Our fancy was caught by a horse driven carriage, on which we made our way to look for a place to eat. It was easy to pretend that I was a part of the royal family and was being given a tour of the family’s land, in a decked up private horse-carriage. With such romantic notions in my head, we finished a lazy lunch and made our way to St. Philomena’s Cathedral. One of the tallest churches in Asia and built in Gothic style, it is said to be inspired by the Cologne Cathedral in Germany.  Very soon it was back to the hostel. A short rest, wherein I chose to fill in my travel diary and it was back to Bangalore again. 

I was happy. I had my few brief moments of respite from reality, met a lot of wonderfully helpful people, made momentary memories, and like all things, I let these memories wash upon me one final time and let them be just that- memories- the kind of memories to be smiled upon while absent-mindedly looking into the distance when some fly away thought or a floating word reminds of this place.

The Little Things in Life

If you really think about it, there are so many things that could cheer you up, little things, accidental things, stumbling upon an unexpected circumstance, immeasurable, momentary, ephemeral...
Imagine a lousy day, you've been stressed out and overloaded with work, nothing is going the way you want, yes, you know, that kind of a day, what makes you feel good? What makes you feel a little bit better? What makes you happy?

I have thought about it a lot during the past few days, and have deliberated my actions towards those things which make me happy after a lousy day, and trust me, it has helped me feel at least a little bit better.

1. Writing down what I am grateful for. If things are not looking up, and life at that moment seems impossible, I try and remember all the things I am fortunate to have. No, it doesn't always work, but it helps. I also have daily reminders set before I end the day reminding me to be grateful for at least one thing. Every day at 10 pm sharp, my phone pings and reminds me to sleep with a grateful heart.

2. Pizza/ Choco Lava Cake/ French fries. Yes, you heard me right. Eating junk food makes me happy. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it does and it will remain on the top of my lists and I am not ashamed to admit it.

3. Helping a random stranger/ or even a friend, without expecting anything in return. If the world has been especially cruel to you, and no matter how many times you have tried, life just doesn't seem fair, well, what better way to make the world a better place than to lend a hand unconditionally to someone.

4. Thinking of those dear souls who love you and take time out of their day for you. Be it your family or friends, there is someone in the world who cares about you, and you my friend are lucky to have them. Thinking about them makes my heart fill with joy. Be it those crazy friends of yours who take the day to spend time with you, fall asleep during your night movie sessions, come to see you off, send you daily reminders of how loved you are, inspire you to take one more step, or that family of yours, who even though you fight with on a regular basis, you always keep going back to them. Maybe spend some time with them.

5. Treat yourself. Spend a day pampering yourself, Take yourself out on a date, keep those phones away (except to make reservation at that restaurant you always wanted to try out or at that new spa), read a book, pursue a hobby, go trekking, travel, cook, buy some flowers, go crazy dancing or singing, lose yourself in the pursuit of whatever it is you love to do.

6. Connect with your old friends. I admit it, I am a very bad friend when it comes to keeping in touch, I'm horrible at it. So if any of you are reading this (you know who you are), I am sorry. I love the fact that I can call you guys and we can start off as if we never stopped talking. Those precious gems in your life!

7. Clean and organize. I don't know what is it about organizing and going on a cleaning spree that cheers you up. It helps me think clearly, get a better hold on life.

8. Get your perspective right. Write down your goals. Write down how you are going to achieve it, make steps, divide, work on each step, one at a time, tick them off on your list, put milestones, and celebrate when you achieve them.

9. Exercise and yoga.  Burn out all that stress and worry you have been holding up, If you're mad, take it out on that jog and run an extra mile. Or take deep breaths as you take control over your body,

10. Pray. When in doubt, when you feel hopeless, when things haven't looked up for ages, when you feel alone, kneel and pray. Let all your emotions drain and surrender. Perhaps you don't believe in God, and that's okay too. Even if you don't, send a little prayer out into the universe and hope to be heard, you never know if you'll get to hear something back.

11. Cry. Personally, I have never been a big fan of letting people know I cry. But that doesn't mean I never cry. I do. A lot, actually. Just not in front of people. Favorite places include a washroom cubicle, my bed at night or any place where I can be alone until I get a better hold over my amuck emotions. Cry as much as you want, for as long as you want, it is a natural event. And after you're done, promise yourself you will not cry for the same reason. You might not always keep those promises, but it's worth a sincere effort too.

12. Communication can solve a lot of issues. Talk to people. If it's a particular person that has caused you to stress out, be upset or angry, talk to them. Be polite but effective. If it doesn't make a difference, you tried, but if it does, way to go! If you can't talk to that person or if it's an unfortunate circumstance in your life, talk to someone you love, someone you trust, someone who can tell you what to do (if there is a need), someone who can hold you up and support you when you need them, your best friend, you significant other, your family.

13. Do something about your problem. Take a step back, look at your problem, then solve it. If you don't think you can, ask for help. Find out how to tackle it and then do it. Take action. There's a solution to every problem, it's something I firmly believe in.

14. Look up at the stars. Yes. If I am unhappy and I am outside, I look up at the stars. It makes me feel better. Maybe it's the vastness of the universe and realizing how insignificant I am, or maybe it's just the beauty of it, but it helps.

Image Courtesy

This is life. It will have it's ups and downs, and it's up to you to decide what you do during those times. Take only the good from the bad  (more difficult than it's sounds). Be happy.

-Anjana

The little kid at the airport

Little dark eyes looked up
A wave, and in return a shy smile
Shyness won
Mother's cloth protects against all.
A curious glance, then a shy smile
My heart grew distracted more
Little nothings passed between us
Then they walked away,
The little boy, family, bags and all
To an unknown design.

In Conclusion - Day 7

So I made it! And believe me, I almost missed this last day. It's 11:30 and I remembered; blogging for a week continuously was a promise I made to myself. And well, hurrah! I did it!

I'm happy. :)

My thoughts -

Happiness is indeed a choice, albeit a difficult one. We get so used to the comfort of sorrow that we don't see it that way. I know I haven't. And I also know, that only when I make an effort to come out of it, do I see the bigger picture. So if there's anyone out there, who is suffering, in any way, know that it's upto you to come out of it. Be sad. Give it time. But do not get used to the solace offered by that feeling. The choice to be better is always upto you. The choice to make your own happiness.

Keep yourself involved. Stop over thinking. Do well by you. Be the better person. Forgive yourself. Give love freely. Have a clear mind. Make memories. Be you. Be the complete you. And stay happy.

With love,
Anjana

Need

There is power in prayer,

Her heart believed

With her face looking up,

Eyes closed, and

Lips whispering in fever,

She prayed in need.

Of love...

You know how there are different kinds of love...the filial kind, the romantic kind, the friend love, the random acts of love love.
The saddest of them all is a love that once was, and never could be the same again.

One of my favourite books, Gone with the Wind, ended with Rhett Butler telling Scarlett that he didn't love her anymore.  I'd keep wondering how is it possible for someone to stop loving a person.  And I didn't believe it. But now I do. And needless to say, it's a scary thought. To think that someone who once pledged the world to you, someone who said they loved you till the moon and back could one day just walk away from it all. And it wouldn't make a difference. So is there anything like true love? There is this part of me that desperately wishes for someone to tell me that, yes, there is, but then the majority of my mind tends to be rational about it. So much of me wishes I could be that one exception to the rule, but well, beggars can't be choosers in the hands of destiny. Sad. So is there no thing called 'true love'?

We do feel it inherently for family, I believe. But saying that you love someone outside your family, leaves my mind ringing with bells of falsehood. Being completely honest, I find it incredibly hard to completely believe in the possibility of that kind of love existing. And I hope to God someone proves me wrong one day.

Handbook for Life #1

These are just a few things that ran across my head this not-so-lazy Sunday morning. So I penned them all down...

1.       Stay Positive: There will always be bad times, hurdles, rough patches, you can’t ask for sunshine and colours without expecting darkness now and again. Through it all, keep your head above the rising waters, think happy thoughts, and don’t let those negative thoughts push you down. It’s hard to be positive all the time, but try and keep the negative ones at bay.

2.       Don’t compare: There will always be someone better, more successful, more social, more good looking or more popular than you. Don’t compare yourselves with them. Your only comparison should be you and how much you have grown over the years and how much more can you improve. You are your own challenge.

3.       Let your life be your own: Many a times you start living the way other people expect you to live, it may or may not be the way you want to live it. You start changing things you have always wanted to do because of someone else’s opinions; it could be your family or someone you love even. I know because I have made decisions based on someone I love’s opinions, and speaking from experience, don’t do that. Of course if it’s wrong (illegal, etc), well, don’t do it. But if it’s something you really want, then go ahead, don’t let others opinions hinder you. Live for yourself.

4.       Fall in love and then fall out of it: You need to experience this, not just the romantic kind (although yeah, fall in love!). Get your heart broken in friendships or with that guy you-used-to-know.  Only then will you know how to love, your faults, your shortcomings, what you did right, what you did wrong, what you want from a friend or a partner in life. After all, it’s all trials and errors.

5.       Make memories, live in the moment: Just because you have had a bad day, don’t let that affect the time you spend with your friends/ family later on. Even if you end up crying all alone at nights, laugh and enjoy that dinner you all had been planning for weeks, or that random lunch you end up going to with all your friends. You can be sad, upset or angry, but not with the people who didn’t have any role to play in making you feel that way. Enjoy that time with them, you need it more that you know (I should take my own advice here!).

6.       Be childish at times: Okay, I don’t mean be immature and whiny (and no, that’s not what I think of children!), but do those things you feel like doing at times but then you talk yourself out of it because that would just make you look so immature. I realised this the other day at the mall when I finally gave in to the urge to climb up an escalator going down. And that really made me feel good, it’s a small thing, but trust me; it makes you feel so free.

7.       Friends will come and go: You are continuously moving through life, and you will meet and make friends all the time, with some you will make everlasting memories with, even though things might not end up well in the end. No one is perfect. In the end, humans will always be selfish. There’s nothing called selfless friendship, so don’t expect too much.  Enjoy the good times, but be prepared to face the hard times alone.

8.       Be kind to everyone: There are times when we are so distracted, that we don’t really ‘listen’ to what others are trying to tell us. I know I do that. Be kind to everyone, treat everyone with respect, and be fair. Actually ‘listen’ to what they are telling you and what they are not. Everyone is going through some tough times; everyone has their demons that haunt them. Don’t judge them (I know I do, although I’d like to believe not so much now). You don’t know their story. Be kind. If you can’t help them, then just listen and empathize.

9.       Keep your expectation low: Or you will end up getting disappointed. It could be people, situations or something you had been looking forward to for weeks, things will not always go according to plans. It’s something that we all struggle with (I know I do, a lot, especially when it comes to people!). One thing I have learned is never expect a lot from people, family or friends. Take a few deep breaths and let go of the expectations, you will live a happier life when you do.

10.   Learn to appreciate being alone: Learn to love your own company. Don’t be a loner but appreciate that time you have to spend with yourself. Introspect. You will come to know yourself better. Realize that you’re living this life alone and you don’t ‘need’ anyone along for this journey. People will tag along on this journey, some will get off at some stations, some will take the other way, some you will miss, some you would never want to leave, but know that your destination is yours alone. No one is getting off at that destination with you, you will be alone. Learn to love that.

11.   Love yourself enough: No, I’m not asking you to be selfish. Rather love and respect yourself enough to know when something, instead of developing you as an individual is only harming you. Know when to put a stop to it. It could be a bad habit, unhealthy relationships, or even something you have been doing for a long time. Let go of it, no matter how difficult it is for you to do this. It will take time, but in the end you will be happy.

12.   Everything will be okay in the end: Things are hard, they will be. Friends will leave. You may not get that job you wanted and worked so hard for. You may fail an exam. You will have relationship problems. The work load will stress you out. Everything that you love or worked hard for will fall apart around you. Your will have family troubles. But this isn’t the end. You will come out of it stronger, better prepared and with your head held high. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If it’s still not okay, then it’s not the end. Have faith, and just live.

And then I realized these things are so easy to preach but so hard to practice. Honestly, it would do me a world of good if I followed my own advice at times. But well, no one is perfect. However, you reach a point in your life when you realize how important these things are to follow, and I think I am there. Now the next step is to follow them which hopefully you and I both will.

Cheers to life comrades! We’re all in this together.

Coloured Perches

 ‘The first to apologise is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to forget is the happiest.’

Growing up and passing through this journey of life, you meet a lot of people; some stay, some leave, and some leave impressions on you that last a lifetime, while some just slowly fade away and blow away with the wind of lost memories.

Of my short, perhaps ‘not yet much experienced’ life, I have come across people who I can categorize into well, three categories (I felt like a judgemental ass writing that, but oh well!).

There are those who forgive and forget. They are perhaps the most innocent, or rather pure of souls, incapable of holding any grudge against the people around them. A simply apology makes everything alright. Even before the apology, they accept whatever they have faced, and well...move on. These people, they amaze me, I have the utmost respect and I stand in awe of them, for I know I am one of those people who cannot ever be like them. The world needs these happy-go-lucky souls, they are perhaps the reason optimism still persists in abundance in a world in need of such positivity. The world, for them is black and white. There is however, a darker side to such glowing naiveté (I acknowledge I might not be right in calling them that). But the world would find it easy to take advantage of these happy souls. In an ideal world, the possibility is hardly relevant but in the real world, it’s hardly so. There will always be, after all, two sides to everything.

Then there are those like me. Forgive, but not forget. It’s perhaps the easiest of choices, but I don’t know how to explain this. I believe a vast majority of the people can identify with this. These people, they play by throwing caution to the wind. Forgiveness comes easy, but forgetting proves a harder fight. There are not many they trust and trust for them is fragile, easily broken, and a prized possession, like strings, once broken, there will always remain a knot. They are more practical in their nature, but riddled with doubts on everything. This attitude might prove more effective in the real world, but in the long run results in tunnel vision. They are perhaps even inclined towards more pessimism than optimism. The world for them is grey. There is always a reason and an explanation to everything. Some of them hold on to the grudges, some let go, but with both, the memory of the experience still remains. Speaking from experience, it’s not a very pleasant state to be in. You learn to let go of the feelings, but you take the lessons with you.

And finally, the ones who never forgive nor forget. You come across a few of them now and then, and as always they do not fail to amuse me. On a much lesser scale of the damage done, their antics are hilarious to observe (speaking from my sardonic and hardened perch). But on a larger scale, result in a bitter way of life, always complaining (whining rather!) lifestyle filled with pessimism. They are not always this noticeable though; some just stay quiet and silently breed and garner the growing pile of grudges. It might prove helpful at times, in context of winning an argument or some slight matter at hand. But in the long run, it doesn’t leave you with many friends or loved ones. For them the black and white world is continuously changing according to their needs, feelings and desires. Nothing remains white, or black, always changing, never constant.

This is just one perspective, there are  different types of people, depends on what vista you chose to observe from. There are so many perspectives, different angles, divergent, individual, distinct opinions. They all matter, for they are your own. I know I am not right in my distinctions (I strongly believe we are different yet the same, there’s no complete black and white, always grey), but then they are my distinctions and ultimately my choices. Every individual has their own outlook on life, on people, on experiences, and no one outlook is right, nor wrong. They all matter, for they all speak of our own different, individual signatures that we chose to leave behind for the world to see, our impressions and legacies.

Growing up and Moving on

This year has been, well, simply put, overwhelming. Overwhelming because of the things I've experienced, learnt, felt and done. Especially the past few months. I have felt unconditional love (not what you'd imagine!), excruciating pain, disappointment, happiness and most importantly learnt some major life's lessons. It feels like I was drugged on emotions, the independence I had found, the recklessness, the moment... 

I think, maybe all of us go through this at one point of time or the other. I realize I am not alone in this, so I know it's going to be okay.

Maybe it's all a part of turning 20. It's sort of depressing, if I'm being honest. It's like I'm losing a part of myself, shutting it  off, caging it forever from the world and promising myself that I'll never bring that part of me out again. But then I'm learning to deal with it and in that I find my solace.

The things I've learnt-

> Love is never easy. And if it happens quickly, most of the times, it's not real. There will be an initial high and with time, chances are both of you will start feeling the loss of that high. One of you will always be more committed and expect more, and the other will have priorities elsewhere. That will only breed resentment, disappointment and sadness. Ultimately, you lose hope and just give up. So just wait for it, take it easy and move on.

> Selfless friendship is not real. Your friends will always put themselves before you. Remember they always want you to do well, but not better than them. That's what it ultimately comes down to. It's all a race, a competition, and each one will always want to be first. So don't go the extra mile for them. Do good. Don't be selfish but also don't be selfless. Enjoy the good times with your friends, share your sorrows and joys but don't go that extra mile for anybody.

> Having high expectation out of any situation or a person is never a good idea. Keep your expectations low.

> Be the bigger person. Apologize, and breed good relations. Look at a situation from both sides, and understand. Forgive yourself if it's your fault and apologize to the people involved. Even if it's not your fault, learn to talk it out and apologize for any harm done. It doesn't cost much.

> Your secrets and feelings are yours alone. Don't let anyone put you down, or make you feel inferior for who you are, or what you feel. You, as a human, are entitled to feel whatever you want, to be your own person, to be different. It helps to talk about it, but before you do think if you'll regret telling anyone about how you feel and then tell them.

> In life you'll probably end up doing a lot of stupid things. Things like getting drunk, try and impress someone who's not worth it, flirt with complete strangers, be completely reckless and lose it, and etc and etc. But well, honestly, you won't really regret it (as long as it doesn't end up in violence, or a legal case or anything of the sorts). You learn from them and you move on.

> There will be days in your life when you are at the point of bursting with happiness, days like you're birthdays, the day you achieved something, or won something. Days when the world is all happy for you, and it's all rosy and golden. But, it's all temporary. Do not rely on it too much because this too shall pass.

> Being an individual with your own ideas and thoughts, you will always face criticism. Criticism for your ideas, for your thoughts, for what you say and what you write, criticism from all directions, your friends, family, teachers. Don't let it get to you. Stand strong for what you believe in. Realize that in the end, those who truly love you will support you no matter what. So stand tall with your head high for what you believe in.

> Learn to take everything in stride. And I mean everything. Things that might mean a lot to you today, a few days, weeks, months or years might lose all importance. So don't prioritize them over your own good. If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't. So just lay back and look at life with a lazy eye, it helps!

> Let it go. The resentments, disappointments.., let it all go. It's slow poison, harming only you and hindering your own personal growth. Always be the better person, because ultimately it's your integrity that matters most. Think and achieve self-actualization.

I don't know how many of you can relate to it, but I hope you do. And if you do, I hope it helped put things more in perspective for you.

In the end, all I have to say is lead a life you are proud of. Be good. And stay happy.

Cheers!
-Anj

When a Girl Walks Alone...

Let’s see now, I’m guessing a lot of people especially guys will be offended by this. So here’s a disclaimer for clarification.

Disclaimer: The below written material does not apply to all the men or boys. So please don’t get offended. It is neither intended to cause harm nor any offence.

It all starts one fine day..., actually, many a fine days, or rainy days, or sunny days, in fact any sort of day. Imagine a girl going to college from her hostel, both the gates of her hostel and her college campus hardly 10 meters apart. I might commend here the college for its brilliant thinking in making such an arrangement, so as to minimize the danger; a young college girl might face in the outside world. Of course I am not mentioning the prison-like rules followed in the said college which surprisingly apply only to the girls not the boys of the college. Brilliant, right?! I mean why would girls even want to step out of their hostels (Imagine that!) while of course, boys need to have this freedom. Why, you ask? Well as my college would answer, ‘because they are boys, and we are girls’! Of course, that fundamentally justifies that question. And if you are still not satisfied and continue to insist on receiving answers, fair warning well heeded my friend, they hand out suspensions here for free and with alarming regularity.

Anyhow, this is not my point. Where was I now? Yes, one day (the nature of which has already been clarified before), this girl feeling very secure and content in the military security provided for girls in the college went about her classes. Unfortunately she dared to commit a cardinal sin. Horrors! She walked alone in the campus. What could be a greater sin? As it was, it happened. Walking up a crowded stairs to her next class, all she could do was keep a stony face and walk away. Why? Well, don’t you know? Certain boys in that college felt the need to call out to her, make crude comments bordering on vulgarity, sing songs bordering on the uncouth, obscene and distasteful and insist on keeping a one- sided conversation. The cause of which we might never know. Let’s discuss a few plausible reasons. One, have they been so deprived of the company of the opposite gender, that this is a last resort to get any sort of attention from them? Two, it’s often that a man’s insecurity about his own, ahem, sexuality, or lack thereof, projects out as a social disorder, inclined towards exhibiting it as a social inability to behave as the society requires. (I vote for this reason, as the main cause!). Third, they are uneducated, illiterate animals who simply know no better (But honestly, they are studying in a college after all, so this is not possible.) Fourth, well, quite frankly I can go on degrading and insulting this general class of filth but let’s leave all that to your imaginations.

Now, you, as a person reading this might raise certain issues about the morality of the girl, for example, the way she was dressed. Thankfully, by our University norms on dress code, it’s quite impossible to do so- formal Indian clothes (churidars, suits) with a dupatta pinned to your shoulders. After being covered from head to toe in cloth, the question of improper or provoking dress code is out. I am going to deviate here and mention, no matter how a girl is dressed, she is not asking for it, be it a short dress or a Burkha. She’s not asking for it unless she’s standing in the middle of the road, stark naked, screaming, ‘Rape me, rape me or insult me, insult me’.

Coming back to where we left off, what other possible reasons could you raise justifying this behavior?

This is just one of the few, real incidents that happen here every day in this college and others, a few of the lesser evils, rather. Girls here are continuous victims of eve teasing and up to certain extents, of sexual harassment. And don’t you dare tell me that boys will be boys, or it’s just a bit of fun they had. In that case, I will be forced to call your definition of fun at the expense of insulting the opposite gender, as perverted and twisted. It is morally degrading for a girl to be repeatedly cat-called and teased. Forget the moral aspects; it’s about decency and upbringing. To all these filth out there, your mother, your sister must be so proud indeed, to have a son who doesn’t respect them. Fun fact- did you know under Section 294- Singing, reciting or uttering any obscene song, ballad or words, in or near any public place, (https://aamjanata.com/eve-teasing-under-criminal-law/) is punishable with imprisonment or fine, or both. (To all those men getting offended, please read the disclaimer at the beginning). Above all, this happening in an institution of education, where they are supposed to be educated and develop as professionals, irony, that it’s more like developing into professional, male chauvinistic pigs. My  intentions in writing this was to make people aware, in my college especially so, that despite all the precautions they take, these precautions referring to restricting the girls more and more (because apparently, girls are supposed to be docile, not go out and have fun and stay jailed), is hardly having any affect. In fact, it is only succeeding in suppressing the basic rights of the girl. Do you realise, that after completion they will have to go out into the world? Let’s see how that will go, a girl restricted inside a campus gets placed in a metro city. But, wait for it, here’s the showstopper, she is so freaking afraid to step out of where she lives, because well, for four years that’s what she has been taught, restriction! Instead of developing us as individuals this practice is simply suppressing us. This is just pertaining to the how girls are treated and looked upon by the authorities. They will not speak out, unless you listen! So listen, please.

My other, slightly misguided perhaps, intention, was solely for the benefit of those disgusting boys out there who are the truest form of illiteracy. I hope I have hit a nerve or two, or maybe (preferable so!) all of them. You are, simply put, disgusting creatures, insecure in whom they are and lack any basic social skills. If you think, it is cool to go and behave like that, then think again. No girl out there will ever respect you.

I was going to thank the men out there who know how to behave decently, but guess what?! I realized I am writing this to simply bring out the truth, not to satisfy anyone’s ego. I refuse to feel obliged to thank men for behaving like humans. If you do, then well, good for you! You are a human, nothing less or else, is expected.

Disclaimer: The above article was not written to intentionally hurt someone. Any offence caused is well, honestly, not regretted. If you have any comments, suggestions, any discord of opinions, then kindly do not spam or leave disruptive comments. Just mail me all your hate mail, if you have any, and if you don't receive a reply, well, you probably know why. Anyway, cheers!

Staying Strong

Have you ever cried silently standing in the middle of a crowded bus, yet no one notices ?

Stay strong. Realise 'you' are all you need to survive. Never give up on your principles. Please stay strong.

Sunset Thoughts

The rolling mountains spread out and the sunset between them was a burst of brilliant colours. Mesmerising to look at. The cool wind threw its own occasional and frequent tantrums which made the thundering clouds roll closer. I could sit here forever, I thought, trapped in this moment of time, and be blissfully happy, not wanting anything. I want time to stop, the feeling so strong, that it made me almost choke and then look up quickly and around to see if anyone had noticed.  No one had. Everyone was lost in their own world,  sitting here, just like me to escape from the world for a few moments. We are all heroes of our lives, the main characters, the protagonists. We are all concerned with our lives, our dreams, our hopes, our sadness. But sitting here, sharing this moment with other lonely souls, it didn't feel like it was my life I was living. I wasn't the main character anymore, it didn't matter anymore what I did or thought, it all seemed so mundane, pointless in the bigger picture. I didn't like it, this feeling. It made me feel as though someone took an important part of me or rather my role and told me that its not important, that your actions and thoughts are not everything, that you aren't the main character. And that made me feel sad, because its the truth isn't it?! Even though I hated feeling this way, I couldn't not accept it.

We are all selfish. Its natural. We all have ideals and a certain way of living our lives that we think is right. In the end, does it matter?
Our problems seem so meaningless, but I don't want it to seem that way. Some would say, they are not meaningless, that they matter. Maybe. Maybe not. Right now it seems pointless. Right now, all I am left with is a hope of living a life without regrets, a life of travel, a life of adventure, a life of extremes of emotions, a life of happiness, ..., a full life.

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Decisions.

12th April, 2015
02:34 pm

Loving hurts. So I'll stop now and move on with my life.

Perhaps, it was never meant to be. Just a lesson in my life. Maybe it will be someone else, someday. Or maybe it will be no one. Either way, I will live and I will be happy, even if I have to do so alone.

~Words from the torn page of a secret diary

Lessons Learnt: Words of Encouragement

Its amazing how when you are upset or slowly crumbling, its always the people at the edge of your world who come forward and ask you,  'What happened? '. They are the beautiful people in your life who blend into the background and come forward only to open up a shard of brightness in your world. They are your silent and sincere guardian angels.

And it is equally remarkable to see that the people you thought you were close to fail to see the hurt behind the fake smiles and laughter.

#6

And through all this you realise, you are a victim of your own minds.
You make your own happiness. You don't have to depend on others for it. It is your life. You have to make of it what you will. For you only get one chance at this life.

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Page 2:

ALONE

Forming any sort of emotional attachments has never been my cup of tea. And I do mean never. Somehow, they always seem to end in tears, hurt and pain. Always. It’s not something I can admit easily, rather quite the opposite. It is a sorry condition to be in, quite pathetic actually, and its a veritable hit to my ego to admit it. So as an act of rebelliousness?...arrogance?...or simply self-preservation, I shy away from any sort of emotional attachments. It’s automatic. The moment someone even tries to become close, warning bells go off in my head. And then I end up feeling guilty over not being the kind of person they want me to be.

Pic Courtesy (Click Here!)

I had a friend. Yes, ‘had’ one. He was...amazing! He was someone who would call you, just to make you laugh, would know without you saying a word when you were upset, would guess when silent tears started rolling down your cheeks, ask you your favourite colour and remember it for a lifetime and watch out for you, no matter where you go. He was...everything a girl could ask for and more. And no matter how much he tried, I kept pushing him away, build these walls around my heart, impenetrable and high, that no one could ever or would ever bother taking the effort to jump over. It’s not remorse over losing a prospective admirer, but rather regret over losing a true friend. I suppose that’s all one is left with in the end...Regrets! It’s a heavy burden to carry over, knowing that you are capable of destroying any meaningful relation you could ever have. I have hope though, that these walls still have cracks in them, cracks which I can occasionally get glimpses of when I get hurt, hurt by an action or a word, proof that there is still a beating heart capable of feeling emotions that have been repressed for years. Sometime during these epiphanic revelations, I finally realize something. I realize that out there in the big bad world, I stand completely alone, and that...that is what scares me the most.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Page 1:
The idea had been swirling in mind for quite some time now. I sit here now, to pen down(or rather type down!) this young seed, listening to beautiful duet between the piano and the violin of Chopin's Ave Maria.


I'd like to think that life has been good to me. The thought scares me, is there worse to come? I've been blessed in all that I have, wonderful and loving parents, a cool brother, and people I can call friends. Don't get me wrong! I'm not writing this after passing a particularly happy day of my life, in-fact, it makes me proud to say that I can still write this even while going through some of the worst days of my life. I do have a ton of worries to stress about, just like everyone else; I am after all still a nineteen year old girl trying to decipher life and her purpose in life. Okay, that just made me sound too...philosophical?...old?...a bumptious, overbearing, officious person who thinks too much and uses extravagant words and phrases to describe something mundane?

Oh well! We are humans, and that fact accords us the benefit of freedom of thought. There's nothing I can do about it!(Freedom of Speech, Thought, Opinions- Kudos to you if you support it! I already like you!)*Freedom of the Mind*

Just like everyone else, I think of myself (to each his own folks, you are the hero of your life) as the protagonist of my life. Maybe an oddball protagonist, born some years ahead of her time. I live in India, and having such open views on controversial and ignored topics like, rights of women(Yes, I am a feminist!), religion, marriage and authority, I assure you, based on personal experience can be a demotivating and harrowing experience. I have started to lose faith in humanity. “Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!”- Leonardo Da Vinci. But, hope springs eternal (story of my life!).

Alright, what I'm all about-

I love reading and writing!

Principles, honor, chivalry, gallantry...stand in high regard in front of me.

I am a feminist! (Women's Rights!!! And I refuse to be ashamed or be labelled stereotypes because of my beliefs.) Hater's keep on hating (Maybe I should write a disclaimer?!)

I believe in God, just not in religion.( Do I need a Disclaimer?!) If anyone wants to debate, you are always free to contact me. 

I have strong political and moral views.(Anyone up for a debate?)

My outlook on socially unacceptable topics is controversial, and definitely shouldn't belong to a woman (so I've been told!).

I love dark chocolate and pizzas (Random! I know.)

There's a reason why I don't like watching tragic movies. 

I might...could...maybe...be a hopeless romantic!(I shall never admit that again!)

And the list goes on...

In a nutshell, I'm just like you, or your friend or your enemy, a human! I have feelings just like you do, some likes and dislikes, just like you, but maybe not the same, but that's because we are two different individuals.

So that summarizes it!

Pic Courtesy: Click Here!

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman is a chronicle of the thoughts, experiences, changes, insecurities, emotions and life of a typical young girl on the verge of adulthood living in India. What affects her, how it affects her, what she goes through from the perspective of a young woman coming to know life (Yep, that's me folks!).

Coming to the end, and the highlight of this long narrative.




These pages mean a lot to me, form essentially a part of my thoughts; it’s a part of being who I am. In these pages, I hope to find meaning and make sense of the turmoil I live amidst at the same time. And to help someone, perhaps in my own my little way, bring changes in their lives, influence them in some of the millions of little ways possible. To make a little difference in someone's life!