Of Happiness

We'd been driving for quite a while now. The winding road led deep into  forests and areas yet to be to be scarred by humans. It was quiet. Trees on either side enveloped the road and hugged its sides. Even the road had someone by its side, I mused.  The canopy gave glimpses of a cloudy sky now and then.

It had been a tough week. Work, family, and relationships, everything seemed to have taken a downhill road. I felt like I was barely holding everything together and not breaking down in the middle of a  meeting seemed like a great achievement. Nights were getting harder, for sleep had become more elusive. Haunting memories of how it was before returned, I had promised myself I wouldn't let myself go through something like that again. But lately that promise had been harder to keep. I didn't want to spend nights drowning in tears and pretending I was happy the next day, again and again. The idea itself was tiresome.

I was broken out of my reverie when his hands laced through mine and held them tightly. I hadn't realised we had stopped. The view was breathtaking. Miles and miles of forests and lush greenery, and a distant river glittering like diamonds in what little light the clouds let through. I heaved a sigh and looked at him. He had already been looking at me...we smiled and stayed, I don't know how long, but it didn't seem like such a long time.

"Are you happy now?", he asked, his brow furrowed with worry. It was so very tempting to straighten those lines of worry.

"Yes..", I replied, "so much." One silent tear rolled down my left cheek. I felt his hand squeezing mine, I squeezed back, and we smiled again. "Thank you", I whispered. He turned my hand and brought it up to his lips, and lightly kissed the back of it.

And we sat like that for a long time, silently, holding hands, perhaps both of us wishing for the moment to never end. And as we sat, for once, the universe did seem to be conspiring for us. If ever there could be a perfect day, it was this and my heart grew lighter as time grew more envious.

The Weekend Getaway

Having finally made up my mind to get at least one thing on my bucket list, while I was still a dependent student, I finally took one to Mysore, during my internship at Bangalore. A small trip, nevertheless baby steps to hopefully something greater. J

The initial plan of taking a train to Mysore completely flopped, it resulted in me standing in quite a bit of awe at the number of people standing outside the Bangalore Railway station at 5:30 am to get a general ticket. I learnt that the reserved compartment ticket counter does not open until 8 am (sighing-I should have booked it online earlier, but no, I wanted to get the experience of booking a ticket just before the journey).

So that resulted in me looking around for a bus to Mysore from Bangalore. Thankfully, previous research helped. I took a bus from Kempegowda Bus Stand to Satellite Bus Stand, which is about a 5-10 minute journey (witnessed a speeding bus hit a bike at a crossroad), and from this bus stand, took a bus to Mysore(they have regular buses from here to Mysore).

The journey was pleasant enough, I was drowsy owing to the early morning waking up (3 am, I kid you not). Soon enough, the half empty bus, filled to capacity, and a man in his late forties sat beside me. Drowsy me chose to ignore everyone until we reached the mid-way point and stopped for tea. Then, I just couldn’t sleep. Soon enough I found an enthusiastic talker in the man, and having received his opinion on how I should proceed, what I should do and what I should never buy (scarves are over-priced in Mysore, he told me), I thanked him for his kind suggestions, he disembarked one stop before me, while I got off on the next.

Google Maps is a life saver, I must admit, and within a 5-minute walk, I was at my booked hostel. A charming, old building, wonderfully placed in a nook, with its own quirks, made me wish I wasn’t just here for one night. It’s a backpacker’s hostel called, The Mansion, 1907, situated within walking distance of the bus stand, Mysore Palace and the zoo. I stayed in a mixed bed dorm, with three bunk beds. A girl from Quebec and two guys from the US were the current occupants, however, there was one more who was never really around (later that night I found his presence in the shape of a human-shaped body on the lower bunk of the middle bed). Having struck up a conversation with the girl, who has travelled to about 11-12 countries(talk about goals), and is still visiting more, led to a conversation among all present.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear an exclamation from the door, and on looking up, finding a colleague I had previously worked with at the door. Such coincidences. A quick discourse revealed he was travelling with his friends and a family member and was here for pleasure.

Having already planned an itinerary and hell-bent on visiting every place I had jotted down after much debate, I embarked after those, after a pleasant lunch. My first destination was Somnathpur Temple, situated about 35 km away from Mysore. Due to perhaps the distance of the place, the place was not much traversed by tourists. A quick talk at the cab agency led me to conclude that I’d be way over budget if I chose to take a cab. The only other option was a bus (unless I chose to hitch-hike, which is a huge no-no in India). From what I had read before, there were no direct buses to the place, I was supposed to take a bus to Bannur, and from there a bus to my destination. The locals I talked to supported the claim. So a bus to Bannur was what I got on. Having no clue as to how I was supposed to change buses, or where, I talked to the conductor of the bus, a lady. She turned out to be one of the sweetest and most helpful people I met there. After we reached Bannur, she got off with me; talked to the conductor of another bus about my destination, and made sure I got on the bus safely. I ended up feeling like a little girl, but hey, I was grateful for the help. The new conductor was another cheerful fellow, who kept reassuring me that he’ll get me safely to my destination, much to my amusement. And voila, within no time, I had arrived. I was bid goodbye with the correct directions to the temple, and a girl who had got off with me, pointed it out while we walked together towards it as well. It was hardly 100 meters away. When I think about it, I am still amazed at the helpfulness and concern of the local people in Mysore and near bouts. It makes me happy and all warm inside.

The temple with its gorgeous architecture did not disappoint; so many stone carvings depicting age-old stories of Gods and Goddesses. Not being a frequented tourist destination, it was serene and retained its magnificent voice, not yet drowned by the crowding hordes of tourists. There I met a young lady, who had travelled one boring Saturday afternoon all the way from Bangalore on her scooty for a quick-getaway, two different Malayali families and the prettiest little girl I had ever seen, she was visiting with her family I supposed.

Soon enough, I was back in Mysore and on my way to the famous Vrindavan Gardens. By the time our bus got through traffic, it was already 7 pm and the sun had set some time back. A short walk down a road had me stare aghast at the sheer amount of humans crowded in there. I decided to move forward anyway, I wasn’t going to go back after travelling for almost 2 hours to get here. I walked down the path that led to the gardens, I didn’t notice the group of men/ boys I had passed until claps and leers drew my attention to them. I glanced back quickly and was a bit shocked to find they were intended at me-a girl travelling without company. It was crowded and it was dark. I chose to ignore them and walked quickly towards the gardens, thinking perhaps I was wrong and simply over thinking this. In order to convince my brain, I walked into the garden, off the path through some bushes and proceeded to stand near a fountain. I was lost in the moment, it was night, the fountains sprayed water on you, and it was pleasant. A few pictures later, I figured there’s more to explore, and started to move away. I turned to move deeper into the garden, but as soon as I did, I got a definitive shock; the bunch of men had decided to follow me into the garden through the same bushes. I admit I was freaked out, I didn’t think they would actually come through the bushes, the same way I had (it was not a path; I had simply used it as a means of escape). I circled around back to the bushes and onto the path again, praying I wasn’t seen. Things that ran through my mind- I singled out a family to whom I could ask for help and prepared whatever resource I could use, just in case something happened, including my voice. So I stood behind the bushes and watched these men look around for me (I could understand pieces of what they were saying, it was Tamil I believe-“where did she go”, “where”). I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw them move deeper into the gardens. I quite literally semi-jogged the opposite way, across a bridge, through those garden, back across the bridge, a short walk, and onto the next bus back to Mysore. Yep, that’s how my visit to Vrindavan Gardens went. Exhilarating, to say the least. After I had calmed down enough, my mind wandered over to more important things, like dinner, and a sudden craving for pasta surfaced. A quick search led me to this quaint little Italian place called The Old House, and I admit the pasta was delicious.

Back at the hostel, I made my getaway to the swing upstairs to just relax and soak in the night. There I found my colleague with his friends. An hour or so passed just conversing, after which I moved downstairs. I thought I could use the time to introspect. Soon, I was joined by my colleague and one of his friends, and before we realised, it was almost two hours past midnight. I can say I genuinely enjoyed our conversation, and there are very few conversations I’d skip sleep for.

The next day dawned quickly, and after a quick breakfast, I went around to the zoo, which was about a kilometre away from the hostel. It would not be wrong to say that it was worth the time. I hadn’t been to a zoo since my middle school and my childish fantasies of visiting zoos seemed to have disappeared. Additionally, all the animals in the zoo seemed to have made a pact the night before, to show their backs to the eager onlookers, and well, that was that. At the zoo, I met a vivacious school-girl of 13, who was on a school trip. She wanted to become a chef and baked quite often, from what she told me. I was glad to have such an animated person to accompany at the zoo, it made it all the more interesting.

Next stop on my list was Bangalore Palace, to which I was running late, having set up a meeting there with the two Americans. The place was teeming with people and it was hot. I have to admit, in its time, the palace must have been majestic in its grandeur and luxury. In its stateliness, it still managed to reflect the opulence it must have once boasted of, a century or so ago. A detailed audio-tour of the private rooms of the palace, and we made our way outside. Our fancy was caught by a horse driven carriage, on which we made our way to look for a place to eat. It was easy to pretend that I was a part of the royal family and was being given a tour of the family’s land, in a decked up private horse-carriage. With such romantic notions in my head, we finished a lazy lunch and made our way to St. Philomena’s Cathedral. One of the tallest churches in Asia and built in Gothic style, it is said to be inspired by the Cologne Cathedral in Germany.  Very soon it was back to the hostel. A short rest, wherein I chose to fill in my travel diary and it was back to Bangalore again. 

I was happy. I had my few brief moments of respite from reality, met a lot of wonderfully helpful people, made momentary memories, and like all things, I let these memories wash upon me one final time and let them be just that- memories- the kind of memories to be smiled upon while absent-mindedly looking into the distance when some fly away thought or a floating word reminds of this place.

Beautiful Conversations

Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with someone? A conversation completely devoid of judgment? Just two people expressing their emotions or stories in a way that suits them best.

Some of the best conversations I’ve had have been with strangers. It’s so easy to forget real life for a moment and lose ourselves in our problems with strangers, knowing that you probably will never see them or speak to them again. There’s something almost magically transient about it, feeling the weight of your unheard stories lift off of your shoulders. It’s like you are losing your worries into the wind whose currents will carry them far, far away, if not for a while, for a moment at least. It’s always left me wondering how easily I can reveal my fears to strangers but not to the ones who love me.  I suppose that’s how all of us are. We tell strangers things because there is no commitment, no staying on until we separate, no promises, unlike with the ones we love and who love us. Uncertainty, the uncertainty of them, of a future with those we love, with the ones who love us, because, let’s face it, it’s human nature, nothing is permanent. I like to think we are all aware of this folly in us, yet we keep hoping, hoping we might be the exception to the rule.

You also learn, when you listen to their stories, their lives. I absolutely adore it. I love listening to their stories, about their families, their hopes, their dreams…so many thoughts run wild through my head and the palpable excitement of their hopes mixes with my own hopes and desire, of hoping for new, different things. You realize there are so many different perspectives to explore and so many lifestyles. Makes you realize how small a part you play in this momentary thing we call life.

And above all this, you develop this ache inside you, an ache to make a difference, to play a small part in their lives, no matter how small, in the hopes that your memory lives on after you pass them by.

The Little Things in Life

If you really think about it, there are so many things that could cheer you up, little things, accidental things, stumbling upon an unexpected circumstance, immeasurable, momentary, ephemeral...
Imagine a lousy day, you've been stressed out and overloaded with work, nothing is going the way you want, yes, you know, that kind of a day, what makes you feel good? What makes you feel a little bit better? What makes you happy?

I have thought about it a lot during the past few days, and have deliberated my actions towards those things which make me happy after a lousy day, and trust me, it has helped me feel at least a little bit better.

1. Writing down what I am grateful for. If things are not looking up, and life at that moment seems impossible, I try and remember all the things I am fortunate to have. No, it doesn't always work, but it helps. I also have daily reminders set before I end the day reminding me to be grateful for at least one thing. Every day at 10 pm sharp, my phone pings and reminds me to sleep with a grateful heart.

2. Pizza/ Choco Lava Cake/ French fries. Yes, you heard me right. Eating junk food makes me happy. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it does and it will remain on the top of my lists and I am not ashamed to admit it.

3. Helping a random stranger/ or even a friend, without expecting anything in return. If the world has been especially cruel to you, and no matter how many times you have tried, life just doesn't seem fair, well, what better way to make the world a better place than to lend a hand unconditionally to someone.

4. Thinking of those dear souls who love you and take time out of their day for you. Be it your family or friends, there is someone in the world who cares about you, and you my friend are lucky to have them. Thinking about them makes my heart fill with joy. Be it those crazy friends of yours who take the day to spend time with you, fall asleep during your night movie sessions, come to see you off, send you daily reminders of how loved you are, inspire you to take one more step, or that family of yours, who even though you fight with on a regular basis, you always keep going back to them. Maybe spend some time with them.

5. Treat yourself. Spend a day pampering yourself, Take yourself out on a date, keep those phones away (except to make reservation at that restaurant you always wanted to try out or at that new spa), read a book, pursue a hobby, go trekking, travel, cook, buy some flowers, go crazy dancing or singing, lose yourself in the pursuit of whatever it is you love to do.

6. Connect with your old friends. I admit it, I am a very bad friend when it comes to keeping in touch, I'm horrible at it. So if any of you are reading this (you know who you are), I am sorry. I love the fact that I can call you guys and we can start off as if we never stopped talking. Those precious gems in your life!

7. Clean and organize. I don't know what is it about organizing and going on a cleaning spree that cheers you up. It helps me think clearly, get a better hold on life.

8. Get your perspective right. Write down your goals. Write down how you are going to achieve it, make steps, divide, work on each step, one at a time, tick them off on your list, put milestones, and celebrate when you achieve them.

9. Exercise and yoga.  Burn out all that stress and worry you have been holding up, If you're mad, take it out on that jog and run an extra mile. Or take deep breaths as you take control over your body,

10. Pray. When in doubt, when you feel hopeless, when things haven't looked up for ages, when you feel alone, kneel and pray. Let all your emotions drain and surrender. Perhaps you don't believe in God, and that's okay too. Even if you don't, send a little prayer out into the universe and hope to be heard, you never know if you'll get to hear something back.

11. Cry. Personally, I have never been a big fan of letting people know I cry. But that doesn't mean I never cry. I do. A lot, actually. Just not in front of people. Favorite places include a washroom cubicle, my bed at night or any place where I can be alone until I get a better hold over my amuck emotions. Cry as much as you want, for as long as you want, it is a natural event. And after you're done, promise yourself you will not cry for the same reason. You might not always keep those promises, but it's worth a sincere effort too.

12. Communication can solve a lot of issues. Talk to people. If it's a particular person that has caused you to stress out, be upset or angry, talk to them. Be polite but effective. If it doesn't make a difference, you tried, but if it does, way to go! If you can't talk to that person or if it's an unfortunate circumstance in your life, talk to someone you love, someone you trust, someone who can tell you what to do (if there is a need), someone who can hold you up and support you when you need them, your best friend, you significant other, your family.

13. Do something about your problem. Take a step back, look at your problem, then solve it. If you don't think you can, ask for help. Find out how to tackle it and then do it. Take action. There's a solution to every problem, it's something I firmly believe in.

14. Look up at the stars. Yes. If I am unhappy and I am outside, I look up at the stars. It makes me feel better. Maybe it's the vastness of the universe and realizing how insignificant I am, or maybe it's just the beauty of it, but it helps.

Image Courtesy

This is life. It will have it's ups and downs, and it's up to you to decide what you do during those times. Take only the good from the bad  (more difficult than it's sounds). Be happy.

-Anjana

The January Santa

Past midnight she came, darkness providing refuge,
The stairs grumbled and sighed in protest.
Now the stocking hung, she wistfully watched
The dying embers take their last breaths.
Death called out like a panacea, however,
Reconciliation lay in Time's hand alone.
With morning came, excited voices 

And the pitter patter of little feet.

The stocking discovered, dolls and cars and trains

Held tightly in each little hand.

Unnoticed and unobserved, the little girl held

The discarded stocking close to her little heart.

By the Window

Sitting by the window seat, the sun shining on my face, I wanted to tell someone how the clouds reminded me of cotton, of perhaps what heaven looked like, of how I wished I could jump from one to another, of what I dreamed and thought about. I wanted to explain how the light shining down on me made me feel different, special, how that one cloud looked like Dory from Finding Nemo, how whenever I travel I play out the scenario of a plane crash in my head, how I've felt the last few days, my hopes for the next few days, my inhibitions and worries, how my heart is breaking and no-one knows.

Sitting by the window seat, I also realised that I had noone to tell them to.

Blessed

"We're born with millions of little lights shining in the dark
And they show us the way
One lights up every time you feel love in your heart
One dies when it moves away"
- Passenger (All the little lights)

This has been a long time coming. I haven't written for a long time, so well, let's start with something positive. Something happy to signify the end of the dark times, moments of self doubt and turmoil, and look forward with excitement to what life has ahead.

A huge thank you, to all those people, family, friends and strangers, who've made my day a little better.

A special one to those few wonderful souls out there, who send me something inspirational everyday (and I do mean every single day). You've been the light in many dark times. I cannot thank you enough. And you still do it, every single day, something to get me going. I'm so very grateful that I have you in my life. I can only hope I am the same to you, even if it's just a little bit, I'd like to be little light in your life.

I am blessed to have you all in my life.

Cheers to life of wonderful memories and love!
-Anj

What it's like Being a Feminist

Yes, I know what you are all thinking, there goes another woman spouting crazy about women’s rights and crap, and well I don't care, I'm still writing this. J

Let me start off by making a few things clear:

‘Feminism’, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. Here is the link for the definition if you don’t believe me (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feminism). Yes, you ignorant mortals, feminism addresses men’s rights and issues as well, only catch here is, talking about these issues when one is talking about women’s issues is not the right way to do it. Call a discussion on the discrimination against men, we can take it up, but most people seem to bring this up as a cause of concern only when there are women’s rights being discussed. Here is a link you can peruse about all the issues tackled by feminism when it comes to men’s issues- https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/3syhda/a_list_of_feminist_resources_tackling_mens_issues/  Go on, read it, don’t chose to remain in ignorance when you are being offered knowledge.

No, I do not hate men. (Believe me, some people, even some friends have asked me this). All I can say to you is, please, for goodness sake; do your basic research you ignorant souls. Neither do I mean to convey that I hate men when I speak about the discrimination I face during my day-to-day life. I am addressing a truth that I face, every day of my life.

And for all those out there, who go, ‘No, I am not a feminist, but I support equality’, honestly, your ignorance has no boundaries does it? Again, the definition itself is self-explanatory (Feel free to analyse that one sentence definition again). Agreed, feminism started with women who wanted reforms and rights, this was at a time when women were not even allowed to vote (and P.S- If it weren’t for these ‘feminists’, most women still wouldn’t have any voting rights). Gradually as women started getting equal opportunities and some of their issues started to get addressed, feminism started addressing men’s issues as well (As I pointed out earlier).‘Feminism’, has taken the form of a ‘dirty’ word, that even some women are afraid to use it. Agreed, it has been grossly taken out of context by today’s media, some men and women, BOTH, and some extremists. What most people need to realise is what feminism actually stands for, which I hope will be clear to you (Come to think of it, I don’t particularly care if it does become clear to you or not, you can continue to keep that stick up your ass against feminism).

This one is for all those women out there, who do not identify themselves as feminists (this is completely fine), BUT at the same time criticize feminism - Playwright and pastor Kristine Holmgren writes in The Guardian: “Make no mistake, the work we did to bring about social change was done at great personal sacrifice. Every time a woman rose to speak for freedom of choice, a personal reputation was ruined. Even so, my generation of women thought nothing of defending the rights of other women at the price of our own futures.” (Reference link- http://www.global-briefing.org/2015/01/feminism-is-for-men-too/) These women worked for the simple rights that we have today. If they had been like you, you would be devoid of something as basic as the right to Vote.

A few more things that should have been obvious to you, but then apparently isn’t (make a wild guess why!) -

As a feminist, I do NOT think I am better than a man. I think I am equal and deserve equality. And NO I do not hate men.

As a feminist, I believe a man should be punished for domestic violence. It also means I believe a woman should get punished for domestic violence as well (and not simply cheered on, or ignored).

No, I do not make everything a feminist issue. I call a SPADE a SPADE.

If you find a self-proclaimed feminist, accusing ALL men of being evil, then it’s not called feminism, that’s extremism.

Yes, I am aware some women misuse this new awareness about women’s rights and use it for their own benefits. And NO, that does not make my argument or point any less valid.

Feminazi (or in fact any kind of ‘Nazi’), is a term which I have found only some of the world’s most mindless and insensible people use. It is NOT offensive to me, or to you, but it IS offensive to the millions of Jewish families who went through hell and suffered at the hands of the Nazis.

As a feminist, I do NOT just hold a few men at fault for inequality, I hold the women who propagate the idea that women are any lesser than men, and I hold the education system, mindset and culture at fault too.

As a feminist, I believe that a woman can still be a feminist even if she is devoted to her family and domestic life.

As a feminist, I will speak up against cat calling, eve-teasing, domestic violence, child marriages, dowry deaths, rape, public shaming and any other sort of discrimination against women. I will also stand as an ally to the LGBTQ+ community and fight for the recognition of their rights (Surprise, they are humans too). I will also fight for men when they are discriminated against.

Coming to my point, being a feminist and a girl (yes, men can be feminists too, surprise!) can be a test of your patience and your ability to remain silent and ignore the blatant ignorance of people around you. Every day you will face issues where the fact that you are feminist, will be rubbed into you, and most of the times it will be taken in a negative sense. You will be bullied intentionally or unintentionally by your own friends. If you dare speak up on the internet, you will be a victim of cyberbullying. If you are a young student and have dared make your views public, elders will come and preach to you about how it’s not right for a girl to be so vocally opinionated. If you have been eve teased and dared to defend yourself or call them out on it, you will be treated to verbal harassment for at least the next few days. You will also be told, by your own friends, how you should not have reacted because apparently then there will be no difference between you and them (To all of those people, here is the difference, I did not choose to call out a random person (girl) walking on the road and pass sexual innuendos at her, I am not the one choosing to act like an illiterate, that is the difference, just in case it wasn’t clear to you). You will be subjected to feminist jokes and everything will be made into a big show, just because you are a feminist. More than a few times, you will be left to stand alone in your views. You will be made to feel inferior for being a feminist (And just in case you are wondering, yes, ALL of the above are from personal experiences).

But you don’t stand alone. You will meet some people (admittedly very few), who understand you, support you and even believe in the same causes. Yes, you will meet men who are feminists too and not ashamed to declare it. These few men and women will be precious to you, hold on to them, they are perhaps the only ones who will understand you and support you when it comes to standing up for your beliefs. They will be the ones who are there for you when you are in doubt and start to question right from wrong (been there, done that!).

So stand tall, be bold, speak up and don’t give up for the things you believe in. I know I won’t.

Note: If any of my commentaries has offended you, well I don’t care. Maybe you should start wondering why it offended you in the first place. J

In Conclusion - Day 7

So I made it! And believe me, I almost missed this last day. It's 11:30 and I remembered; blogging for a week continuously was a promise I made to myself. And well, hurrah! I did it!

I'm happy. :)

My thoughts -

Happiness is indeed a choice, albeit a difficult one. We get so used to the comfort of sorrow that we don't see it that way. I know I haven't. And I also know, that only when I make an effort to come out of it, do I see the bigger picture. So if there's anyone out there, who is suffering, in any way, know that it's upto you to come out of it. Be sad. Give it time. But do not get used to the solace offered by that feeling. The choice to be better is always upto you. The choice to make your own happiness.

Keep yourself involved. Stop over thinking. Do well by you. Be the better person. Forgive yourself. Give love freely. Have a clear mind. Make memories. Be you. Be the complete you. And stay happy.

With love,
Anjana

Of love...

You know how there are different kinds of love...the filial kind, the romantic kind, the friend love, the random acts of love love.
The saddest of them all is a love that once was, and never could be the same again.

One of my favourite books, Gone with the Wind, ended with Rhett Butler telling Scarlett that he didn't love her anymore.  I'd keep wondering how is it possible for someone to stop loving a person.  And I didn't believe it. But now I do. And needless to say, it's a scary thought. To think that someone who once pledged the world to you, someone who said they loved you till the moon and back could one day just walk away from it all. And it wouldn't make a difference. So is there anything like true love? There is this part of me that desperately wishes for someone to tell me that, yes, there is, but then the majority of my mind tends to be rational about it. So much of me wishes I could be that one exception to the rule, but well, beggars can't be choosers in the hands of destiny. Sad. So is there no thing called 'true love'?

We do feel it inherently for family, I believe. But saying that you love someone outside your family, leaves my mind ringing with bells of falsehood. Being completely honest, I find it incredibly hard to completely believe in the possibility of that kind of love existing. And I hope to God someone proves me wrong one day.

Today I finally realized what it truly meant!

Give love, even if you don’t receive it. Give it unconditionally. Don’t expect anything in return (sounds so clichéd but believe me, it wasn’t until today that I truly understood the true meaning). When you give love, the happiness reflected on someone else makes you happy too. Care for others, and show them that you care. Spare a thought for everyone. There’s nothing wrong in it. No expectations, no regrets, and no attachments. Live happily. You’ll do just fine. Make happiness your only goal. J

Cheers!

Of God, Religion and Rights

Not something I would chose to write on easily, but lately my thoughts keep circling around this.

I wouldn’t call myself a religious person, no. For me, religion has always been a concept introduced by humans to stay within the lines of morality and as an attempt to bring some sort of order into this chaotic world. That’s how I have always looked at it. But then I am of the view that religion isn’t necessary to stay within those moral boundaries. In fact I have atheist friends who are better human beings than some of my theist ones (this isn’t meant to point at people) or vice versa.

For me God and religion are two completely separate entities. You can say I believe in God, but not in religion. Perhaps, it is because of the way of thinking around which I was brought up. Actually, that is the reason for how my standpoint is today. I was raised by a father who spent nights telling me stories from each and every religion. And that’s what they were to me, stories; stories spun by old men from days past and read out as the only truth over generations. Perhaps that is the reason I believe in God as well, because of the beliefs surrounding my formative years as a child. And that’s what it amounts to in the end; your beliefs are a result of your surroundings, and no one belief can be justified as right or wrong. Be it an atheist, agnostic or a theist, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has a right to their own beliefs and justifications.

Discussions on these have always been tiresome and hardly ever end without at least one of the parties getting offended. Heaven forbid, a person walking out not offended from that particular debate. My views, now that I read through what I just wrote, sound lax and vague. I would be lying if I said I do not get offended by some of these discussions. I do, and hence the general avoidance of the whole matter.

I believe in God, I believe in prayers, I believe that everyone has a right to their own beliefs and I believe that no one faith is greater than the other. Most religions teach us that anyway, it’s just that, some of us in our deep piousness tend to overlook that little fact and interpret the words of holy books in our own way. But then again, there is nothing wrong in that, as long as you do not start denying others their basic rights based on your take on the matter. Live and let live. 

Coloured Perches

 ‘The first to apologise is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to forget is the happiest.’

Growing up and passing through this journey of life, you meet a lot of people; some stay, some leave, and some leave impressions on you that last a lifetime, while some just slowly fade away and blow away with the wind of lost memories.

Of my short, perhaps ‘not yet much experienced’ life, I have come across people who I can categorize into well, three categories (I felt like a judgemental ass writing that, but oh well!).

There are those who forgive and forget. They are perhaps the most innocent, or rather pure of souls, incapable of holding any grudge against the people around them. A simply apology makes everything alright. Even before the apology, they accept whatever they have faced, and well...move on. These people, they amaze me, I have the utmost respect and I stand in awe of them, for I know I am one of those people who cannot ever be like them. The world needs these happy-go-lucky souls, they are perhaps the reason optimism still persists in abundance in a world in need of such positivity. The world, for them is black and white. There is however, a darker side to such glowing naiveté (I acknowledge I might not be right in calling them that). But the world would find it easy to take advantage of these happy souls. In an ideal world, the possibility is hardly relevant but in the real world, it’s hardly so. There will always be, after all, two sides to everything.

Then there are those like me. Forgive, but not forget. It’s perhaps the easiest of choices, but I don’t know how to explain this. I believe a vast majority of the people can identify with this. These people, they play by throwing caution to the wind. Forgiveness comes easy, but forgetting proves a harder fight. There are not many they trust and trust for them is fragile, easily broken, and a prized possession, like strings, once broken, there will always remain a knot. They are more practical in their nature, but riddled with doubts on everything. This attitude might prove more effective in the real world, but in the long run results in tunnel vision. They are perhaps even inclined towards more pessimism than optimism. The world for them is grey. There is always a reason and an explanation to everything. Some of them hold on to the grudges, some let go, but with both, the memory of the experience still remains. Speaking from experience, it’s not a very pleasant state to be in. You learn to let go of the feelings, but you take the lessons with you.

And finally, the ones who never forgive nor forget. You come across a few of them now and then, and as always they do not fail to amuse me. On a much lesser scale of the damage done, their antics are hilarious to observe (speaking from my sardonic and hardened perch). But on a larger scale, result in a bitter way of life, always complaining (whining rather!) lifestyle filled with pessimism. They are not always this noticeable though; some just stay quiet and silently breed and garner the growing pile of grudges. It might prove helpful at times, in context of winning an argument or some slight matter at hand. But in the long run, it doesn’t leave you with many friends or loved ones. For them the black and white world is continuously changing according to their needs, feelings and desires. Nothing remains white, or black, always changing, never constant.

This is just one perspective, there are  different types of people, depends on what vista you chose to observe from. There are so many perspectives, different angles, divergent, individual, distinct opinions. They all matter, for they are your own. I know I am not right in my distinctions (I strongly believe we are different yet the same, there’s no complete black and white, always grey), but then they are my distinctions and ultimately my choices. Every individual has their own outlook on life, on people, on experiences, and no one outlook is right, nor wrong. They all matter, for they all speak of our own different, individual signatures that we chose to leave behind for the world to see, our impressions and legacies.

Dark

She was scared of the dark. And she was scared of the men. They didn’t believe her stories.

They didn’t believe her until the marks on her skin started showing.

Dark

She was talented, successful, beautiful and earned well.

The prospective groom rejected her because she was too ‘dark’.

Dark

He grabbed the chocolates before his cousin could and ran away.

He put one in his mouth and grimaced. The chocolate was dark.

Guest Article- Saumitra Khadilkar

The following is a piece of writing by a dear friend and comrade, Saumitra. You should read his other works, it's amazing. I love the way he has captured the gist of what most of us feel. I hope you relate to it, because I definitely can!

MAKE YOUR SOUL SMILE - Saumitra Khadilkar

I was just lying on my bed, did not care about the time, it was around 2.30-3.00 am. This was not the 1^st time I was not feeling sleepy, the main reason for these sleepless nights, this insomnia was the future. The stress, tension, anxiety call it whatever you want but it had got to me and snatched away my sleep.

When I say the future I mean the fear which engulfs teenagers like me and renders them lifeless. The fear whether I will be successful or not, the fear whether I will be able to fulfill my dreams, will I be able to support my parents and what not. Add to it the boring college life of mine, its stagnant, monotonous and exhaustive. To be straight I was dead inside, except for the fear, not excited about anything, not even about the fact that I was leaving for home after 2 days for vacations after 6 months. But, as a regular teenager I decided to ignore my problems and scroll the internet and ran across a vine, it was nothing special, it was just 1 guy cursing another guy but I had watched that scene in a TV show and I broke into hysterical laughter, I was laughing for around 5 minutes, breathless at the end, I noticed I hadn’t laughed like this in a while, for those 5 minutes I forgot all the problems and did not care about anything. A big question rose in front of me “Am I living or just existing”?

Next day ended quickly and I started thinking how to fight this depression sort of thing. Surely there would be so many people like me, talking to them is one option but I can’t do that, the talking your heart out thing, it’s not my cup of tea. So I just came to my room sat on a chair, took a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down all the things I needed to do get the satisfaction of living, to get that happiness of last night for a more durable period.

The 1^st thing was to get some adrenaline rush, I had to kill this seed in me which had made me emotionless. After a lot of scrawling on the paper I finally had it, it was not exactly a plan but it was something I knew would slap a smile on my face if I followed it. I was going to do what I loved, play and follow football, travel as much as I can, explore every nook and corner of this planet, meet new people, learn new cultures and lifestyles and keep in touch with friends. It’s just like a very non-specific bucket list, but from that night onwards I slept on time, the fear was still there but at least now I had something to show for it.

I can’t wait to get out in the real world, to struggle, to enjoy, to earn money, I don’t even mind failing a few times, to succeed and most importantly to live, live this life in a way that I have no regrets at the end, live it in a way that even my soul smiles.

The bottom line is, everyone fights their own battles and the future is scary for everyone in a different way. All you have to do is live life in a way that makes you happy and you can call it satisfactory. You just have to fight the fear.

As Walter White said it in Breaking Bad “I came to realize it’s that fear, that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. Get up! Getup in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth”.  

With these words in mind, a very Happy New Year in advance, my friends! May this new year be everything you have ever wanted.

@Saumitra - I hope you still keep sending me your 'short stories with a twist' on WhatsApp. I love them.

Cheers to life!

Growing up and Moving on

This year has been, well, simply put, overwhelming. Overwhelming because of the things I've experienced, learnt, felt and done. Especially the past few months. I have felt unconditional love (not what you'd imagine!), excruciating pain, disappointment, happiness and most importantly learnt some major life's lessons. It feels like I was drugged on emotions, the independence I had found, the recklessness, the moment... 

I think, maybe all of us go through this at one point of time or the other. I realize I am not alone in this, so I know it's going to be okay.

Maybe it's all a part of turning 20. It's sort of depressing, if I'm being honest. It's like I'm losing a part of myself, shutting it  off, caging it forever from the world and promising myself that I'll never bring that part of me out again. But then I'm learning to deal with it and in that I find my solace.

The things I've learnt-

> Love is never easy. And if it happens quickly, most of the times, it's not real. There will be an initial high and with time, chances are both of you will start feeling the loss of that high. One of you will always be more committed and expect more, and the other will have priorities elsewhere. That will only breed resentment, disappointment and sadness. Ultimately, you lose hope and just give up. So just wait for it, take it easy and move on.

> Selfless friendship is not real. Your friends will always put themselves before you. Remember they always want you to do well, but not better than them. That's what it ultimately comes down to. It's all a race, a competition, and each one will always want to be first. So don't go the extra mile for them. Do good. Don't be selfish but also don't be selfless. Enjoy the good times with your friends, share your sorrows and joys but don't go that extra mile for anybody.

> Having high expectation out of any situation or a person is never a good idea. Keep your expectations low.

> Be the bigger person. Apologize, and breed good relations. Look at a situation from both sides, and understand. Forgive yourself if it's your fault and apologize to the people involved. Even if it's not your fault, learn to talk it out and apologize for any harm done. It doesn't cost much.

> Your secrets and feelings are yours alone. Don't let anyone put you down, or make you feel inferior for who you are, or what you feel. You, as a human, are entitled to feel whatever you want, to be your own person, to be different. It helps to talk about it, but before you do think if you'll regret telling anyone about how you feel and then tell them.

> In life you'll probably end up doing a lot of stupid things. Things like getting drunk, try and impress someone who's not worth it, flirt with complete strangers, be completely reckless and lose it, and etc and etc. But well, honestly, you won't really regret it (as long as it doesn't end up in violence, or a legal case or anything of the sorts). You learn from them and you move on.

> There will be days in your life when you are at the point of bursting with happiness, days like you're birthdays, the day you achieved something, or won something. Days when the world is all happy for you, and it's all rosy and golden. But, it's all temporary. Do not rely on it too much because this too shall pass.

> Being an individual with your own ideas and thoughts, you will always face criticism. Criticism for your ideas, for your thoughts, for what you say and what you write, criticism from all directions, your friends, family, teachers. Don't let it get to you. Stand strong for what you believe in. Realize that in the end, those who truly love you will support you no matter what. So stand tall with your head high for what you believe in.

> Learn to take everything in stride. And I mean everything. Things that might mean a lot to you today, a few days, weeks, months or years might lose all importance. So don't prioritize them over your own good. If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't. So just lay back and look at life with a lazy eye, it helps!

> Let it go. The resentments, disappointments.., let it all go. It's slow poison, harming only you and hindering your own personal growth. Always be the better person, because ultimately it's your integrity that matters most. Think and achieve self-actualization.

I don't know how many of you can relate to it, but I hope you do. And if you do, I hope it helped put things more in perspective for you.

In the end, all I have to say is lead a life you are proud of. Be good. And stay happy.

Cheers!
-Anj

When a Girl Walks Alone...

Let’s see now, I’m guessing a lot of people especially guys will be offended by this. So here’s a disclaimer for clarification.

Disclaimer: The below written material does not apply to all the men or boys. So please don’t get offended. It is neither intended to cause harm nor any offence.

It all starts one fine day..., actually, many a fine days, or rainy days, or sunny days, in fact any sort of day. Imagine a girl going to college from her hostel, both the gates of her hostel and her college campus hardly 10 meters apart. I might commend here the college for its brilliant thinking in making such an arrangement, so as to minimize the danger; a young college girl might face in the outside world. Of course I am not mentioning the prison-like rules followed in the said college which surprisingly apply only to the girls not the boys of the college. Brilliant, right?! I mean why would girls even want to step out of their hostels (Imagine that!) while of course, boys need to have this freedom. Why, you ask? Well as my college would answer, ‘because they are boys, and we are girls’! Of course, that fundamentally justifies that question. And if you are still not satisfied and continue to insist on receiving answers, fair warning well heeded my friend, they hand out suspensions here for free and with alarming regularity.

Anyhow, this is not my point. Where was I now? Yes, one day (the nature of which has already been clarified before), this girl feeling very secure and content in the military security provided for girls in the college went about her classes. Unfortunately she dared to commit a cardinal sin. Horrors! She walked alone in the campus. What could be a greater sin? As it was, it happened. Walking up a crowded stairs to her next class, all she could do was keep a stony face and walk away. Why? Well, don’t you know? Certain boys in that college felt the need to call out to her, make crude comments bordering on vulgarity, sing songs bordering on the uncouth, obscene and distasteful and insist on keeping a one- sided conversation. The cause of which we might never know. Let’s discuss a few plausible reasons. One, have they been so deprived of the company of the opposite gender, that this is a last resort to get any sort of attention from them? Two, it’s often that a man’s insecurity about his own, ahem, sexuality, or lack thereof, projects out as a social disorder, inclined towards exhibiting it as a social inability to behave as the society requires. (I vote for this reason, as the main cause!). Third, they are uneducated, illiterate animals who simply know no better (But honestly, they are studying in a college after all, so this is not possible.) Fourth, well, quite frankly I can go on degrading and insulting this general class of filth but let’s leave all that to your imaginations.

Now, you, as a person reading this might raise certain issues about the morality of the girl, for example, the way she was dressed. Thankfully, by our University norms on dress code, it’s quite impossible to do so- formal Indian clothes (churidars, suits) with a dupatta pinned to your shoulders. After being covered from head to toe in cloth, the question of improper or provoking dress code is out. I am going to deviate here and mention, no matter how a girl is dressed, she is not asking for it, be it a short dress or a Burkha. She’s not asking for it unless she’s standing in the middle of the road, stark naked, screaming, ‘Rape me, rape me or insult me, insult me’.

Coming back to where we left off, what other possible reasons could you raise justifying this behavior?

This is just one of the few, real incidents that happen here every day in this college and others, a few of the lesser evils, rather. Girls here are continuous victims of eve teasing and up to certain extents, of sexual harassment. And don’t you dare tell me that boys will be boys, or it’s just a bit of fun they had. In that case, I will be forced to call your definition of fun at the expense of insulting the opposite gender, as perverted and twisted. It is morally degrading for a girl to be repeatedly cat-called and teased. Forget the moral aspects; it’s about decency and upbringing. To all these filth out there, your mother, your sister must be so proud indeed, to have a son who doesn’t respect them. Fun fact- did you know under Section 294- Singing, reciting or uttering any obscene song, ballad or words, in or near any public place, (https://aamjanata.com/eve-teasing-under-criminal-law/) is punishable with imprisonment or fine, or both. (To all those men getting offended, please read the disclaimer at the beginning). Above all, this happening in an institution of education, where they are supposed to be educated and develop as professionals, irony, that it’s more like developing into professional, male chauvinistic pigs. My  intentions in writing this was to make people aware, in my college especially so, that despite all the precautions they take, these precautions referring to restricting the girls more and more (because apparently, girls are supposed to be docile, not go out and have fun and stay jailed), is hardly having any affect. In fact, it is only succeeding in suppressing the basic rights of the girl. Do you realise, that after completion they will have to go out into the world? Let’s see how that will go, a girl restricted inside a campus gets placed in a metro city. But, wait for it, here’s the showstopper, she is so freaking afraid to step out of where she lives, because well, for four years that’s what she has been taught, restriction! Instead of developing us as individuals this practice is simply suppressing us. This is just pertaining to the how girls are treated and looked upon by the authorities. They will not speak out, unless you listen! So listen, please.

My other, slightly misguided perhaps, intention, was solely for the benefit of those disgusting boys out there who are the truest form of illiteracy. I hope I have hit a nerve or two, or maybe (preferable so!) all of them. You are, simply put, disgusting creatures, insecure in whom they are and lack any basic social skills. If you think, it is cool to go and behave like that, then think again. No girl out there will ever respect you.

I was going to thank the men out there who know how to behave decently, but guess what?! I realized I am writing this to simply bring out the truth, not to satisfy anyone’s ego. I refuse to feel obliged to thank men for behaving like humans. If you do, then well, good for you! You are a human, nothing less or else, is expected.

Disclaimer: The above article was not written to intentionally hurt someone. Any offence caused is well, honestly, not regretted. If you have any comments, suggestions, any discord of opinions, then kindly do not spam or leave disruptive comments. Just mail me all your hate mail, if you have any, and if you don't receive a reply, well, you probably know why. Anyway, cheers!

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman

Page 1:
The idea had been swirling in mind for quite some time now. I sit here now, to pen down(or rather type down!) this young seed, listening to beautiful duet between the piano and the violin of Chopin's Ave Maria.


I'd like to think that life has been good to me. The thought scares me, is there worse to come? I've been blessed in all that I have, wonderful and loving parents, a cool brother, and people I can call friends. Don't get me wrong! I'm not writing this after passing a particularly happy day of my life, in-fact, it makes me proud to say that I can still write this even while going through some of the worst days of my life. I do have a ton of worries to stress about, just like everyone else; I am after all still a nineteen year old girl trying to decipher life and her purpose in life. Okay, that just made me sound too...philosophical?...old?...a bumptious, overbearing, officious person who thinks too much and uses extravagant words and phrases to describe something mundane?

Oh well! We are humans, and that fact accords us the benefit of freedom of thought. There's nothing I can do about it!(Freedom of Speech, Thought, Opinions- Kudos to you if you support it! I already like you!)*Freedom of the Mind*

Just like everyone else, I think of myself (to each his own folks, you are the hero of your life) as the protagonist of my life. Maybe an oddball protagonist, born some years ahead of her time. I live in India, and having such open views on controversial and ignored topics like, rights of women(Yes, I am a feminist!), religion, marriage and authority, I assure you, based on personal experience can be a demotivating and harrowing experience. I have started to lose faith in humanity. “Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!”- Leonardo Da Vinci. But, hope springs eternal (story of my life!).

Alright, what I'm all about-

I love reading and writing!

Principles, honor, chivalry, gallantry...stand in high regard in front of me.

I am a feminist! (Women's Rights!!! And I refuse to be ashamed or be labelled stereotypes because of my beliefs.) Hater's keep on hating (Maybe I should write a disclaimer?!)

I believe in God, just not in religion.( Do I need a Disclaimer?!) If anyone wants to debate, you are always free to contact me. 

I have strong political and moral views.(Anyone up for a debate?)

My outlook on socially unacceptable topics is controversial, and definitely shouldn't belong to a woman (so I've been told!).

I love dark chocolate and pizzas (Random! I know.)

There's a reason why I don't like watching tragic movies. 

I might...could...maybe...be a hopeless romantic!(I shall never admit that again!)

And the list goes on...

In a nutshell, I'm just like you, or your friend or your enemy, a human! I have feelings just like you do, some likes and dislikes, just like you, but maybe not the same, but that's because we are two different individuals.

So that summarizes it!

Pic Courtesy: Click Here!

Pages: Diary of a Young Woman is a chronicle of the thoughts, experiences, changes, insecurities, emotions and life of a typical young girl on the verge of adulthood living in India. What affects her, how it affects her, what she goes through from the perspective of a young woman coming to know life (Yep, that's me folks!).

Coming to the end, and the highlight of this long narrative.




These pages mean a lot to me, form essentially a part of my thoughts; it’s a part of being who I am. In these pages, I hope to find meaning and make sense of the turmoil I live amidst at the same time. And to help someone, perhaps in my own my little way, bring changes in their lives, influence them in some of the millions of little ways possible. To make a little difference in someone's life!

A Modern Lovestory

Once upon a time (well..actually now!), there was a boy and a girl. Yes, yes we all know where this is heading. The boy started liking the girl (I know, clichéd!) or wait...is it the other way round?! It was the girl that started liking the boy..., it hardly matters anyway. For days they teased and played around what was obviously becoming more than just friendship. Oh, and the constant teasing of their friends and their insistence on being ‘just friends’, just made it so not obvious! Pretty soon, texts were exchanged, and so were furtive glances. Innocently chatted texts extended late into the night, leaving both the concerned parties bleary eyed, but filled with excitement and anticipation of another night yet to come. And so on and so forth...you know the usual! Well, simply in the interest of the vast patience of the audience, I shall put forth the unexpected climax to the little story (not!).

One fine day, the boy woke up with eyes that shone of love never ending, a fist of determination in his heart, a crazy light in his eye and of course his heart in his throat...uhh...I mean his heart in his hands and lifted his phone. And the proposal followed. Unexpected right?! On the other end of this signal that transferred from the phone we have the girl, who promptly opened the text. This action was followed by a lot of excited squeals, giggles from somehow more than one girl?!! A quick emergency discussion, a lot of shushing and whispering later, four girls sat down to type...’Yes’.

And now...? Oh they are living a life of bliss, or so I've been told. We unfortunately, live in a place where talking late into the night over the phone is considered dating. Meeting face to face? Oh that’s just so....overrated!  God forbid they meet! Horrors!! What would they say to each other?! But of course talking over the phone is way easier.

And then my friends, they lived happily ever after (well presently they are, that is until their parents find out or ahem...other such forces of nature!).

Click Here-Image Courtesy

Disclaimer:

The above story was written simply for entertainment purposes and not intended to cause harm or offense to anyone. The characters in the story are purely fictional and not based on any real life character (Well...basically it’s the story of the Indian youth, so...<no comments>). Any offense caused is severely regretted.

Peace!

*The story was written on the request of a friend. Well, the friend actually asked me to write a love story but I find myself incapable of writing about love without being cynical or sarcastic. So, dear audience (or the lack thereof!) and friend, you will have to make do with this. Cheers!

Also, it behooves me to mention that yes... I broke my New Year resolution of writing my blog at least two times a week on the very first week of this year. Part of it was my fault, while the other part I honestly do blame my hectic schedule and some personal issues for that. Anyhow, it’s another one of my lessons learnt! Prioritize and manage! I can’t completely not take the blame either (Confusing sentence right!).  Anyhow, hope springs eternal, so I shall persevere in my endurance to stick to my already broken new year’s resolution.

Having said that, it's the season of love everyone. For all those couples out there, have the best time of your life you all! And if you are single like me, well folks, there's always next year! I'm kidding! We need single people in this world, or imagine how boring it would be. You guys rock!

Cheerio!

Building Walls...

One of the unfortunate perks (not!) of being sensitive is that words that might not have carried that much weight or were said jokingly might hit you harder than intended.

It changes you- the knowledge that it hurt you more than intended and you subsequently trying to hide it. You start pretending to be someone you are not, you paste that smile on your face, permanently etched for all to see. They joke and you laugh along, all the while smiling while it slowly kills you inside.

Gradually, the world splits into two kinds of people. One that forever sees you as the happy go lucky person that you endeavour to be, the constant source of reason and joy in their lives.

And then there is these other kind of people. They see the walls that you have built so high around yourself. And they call you cold and heartless. There is a certain trend to them. Some look on with pity, some with censure and some with something pertaining to hero-worship for the stony facade you show them. 

There are times, times when the feelings threaten to brim over that wall you built, you just barely manage to reign it all in, and carve a smile on your face.